RICHIE - CHAPTER SIXTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

of course when we started
talking about stealing a car i
didnt realize that richie would
want to steal dean cuddys
bmw

i mean i knew that it would
end up being some staffs
vehicle cuz richie already
made clear that the physical
plant trucks were

too unreliable in the snow to
mess with again but i guess
its the fact that its cuddys car
and its so much higher end
than that shitty truck

we took last time thats got me
all nervous and stuff richie
tells me thats all mental and
to stop psyching myself out
but its pretty hard

so anyway friday night about
10:30 we start walking down
the road leading off campus
and the snow isnt bad

theres very little actually
falling its just packed down
hard in the road and the
plows have thrown

these huge banks up onto the
roadsides so unfortunately
theres no underbrush or
anything to hide in so

if a staff car is coming or
going while were walking the
road were pretty much fucked
so we start out trying to be
quiet

but the packed snow crunches
underfoot and sound really
carries in the thin cold air so
all we can really do is avoid
talking

and just basically spend the
walk watching our breath in
the moonlight and soon
enough the faculty village
comes into sight

i knew that they housed the
administration just off-
campus everyone did it
wasnt a secret it was one of
the perks of the job i guess

it was really only crisis staff
and dorm workers who had to
be local enough to commute
in every day richie said this
was part of the

krol methodology as well but
i dont care really i just want
richie to be able to find dean
cuddys house and if im being
honest

i want him to not be able to
start the bmw so we could
just go back to the dorm
where its warm and safe

richie quietly ticks off the
houses as we pass them
-isaacs- -manley- with a
grunt -nulles- and we duck
past streetlights and over

one block and richies like
-thats it- in front of this
boxy looking house that
basically looks like all the
others

and i cant figure out how
richie could tell them apart in
the dark until i see the silver
bmw sitting in the driveway

and im like -why in the
driveway- in a whisper and
he goes -his wifes in town-
and points to the closed
garage and then

points to his brain with an
exaggerated wink and i
almost laugh but stop myself
just in time and he goes

-watch for cars if you see
one run behind the house ill
hear you- and leaves me in
the street and creeps up to the
house

looks once in the window
then goes to the car and pulls
out the slim jim and goes to
work on the door

it only takes a couple of
minutes and it seems really
loud to me but then hes in
and hes holding the door real
gentle-like

and he squats down by the
edge of it with his hand on
the handle and he starts
opening it super-slow and

counting to himself and when
its open just enough he
reaches his arm through up to
his shoulder and does
something inside i cant see
what

then the alarm starts and i
nearly shit my pants but its
just a strangled little queef of
a sound before richie
squelches it

and he just squats there at the
base of the door totally still
watching the window to see
if anyone looks out and after
a minute passes

he stands up and goes -psst-
and motions me over and i
shuffle over to him and
whisper –wtf- he answers
-im gonna show you how

-to do this in case you ever
need to- and im like
-whatever just hurry- and he
reaches in and releases the
parking brake

-help me push this into the
street so they dont hear us
start it- so i go up to the
hood while he pushes on the
door column

and we get it out of the
driveway and he jumps in
hits the brakes and waves me
over and hes got this like
crowbar thing

and he rips out the panel right
below the steering wheel and
asks me -did you get to
stendhal in english yet- and i
go

-english what what are you-
and he yanks two wires out
-the red and the black dee
dee the red and the black- he
touches the bare ends

together and the thing comes
to life -never forget stendhal
dee dee now get in- i run
over to the passenger side
and open it

and richie is hunched under
the steering wheel twisting
the wires together -goddamn
it- he whips up shaking his
hand painfully then

throws the bmw into gear
-lets get the fuck out of here-
and he eases us around and
out of the faculty village then
floors it

and it really is something else
entirely idk if its cuz its
night or the bmw is so much
nicer or cuz its cuddys but

its much more exciting this
time and richie throws it into
fifth and exhales slowly -this
is a superior piece of
machinery- and grins at me

-look what kind of music he
has- and im like -shit i
shouldve brought my ipod-
cuz theres a dock but richie
just goes

-next time- and i laugh -as
if- and richie shrugs so i go
through cuddys visor sleeve
and its all like soundtracks
and old blues

and new age garbage and i go
-theres nothing here but shit-
and richie goes -whatever-
totally jaunty and i ask him
-so where are we going

-this time- and he smiles
-were going to boxer you
know our sister school- and
i go -boxer thats like almost
an hour away-

and hes all -not in this thing
ill be there in 45 minutes-
and im like -thats gonna take
way too long

-were gonna get busted- and
he waves me off -stop
worrying dee dee- and i ask
-whats so great at boxer- and
he looks at me

like im an idiot -girls- and i
go -oh- and he says -i know
this girl leander who goes
there

-shes pretty cool- and im
getting really uptight -you
know cuddy or mrs cuddy
could look out that window at
any time and we are fucked-

richie starts getting pissed
-dont be such a pussy dee
dee if you didnt want to
come you shouldve thought
of that a long time ago-

and i go -i didnt know we
were gonna be gone for like
4 hours- and richie starts
shouting -i didnt go through
all that back there

-just to drive around the
fucking block now we just
stole a car theres nothing you
can do but just sit back and
enjoy the ride jesus-

i sit back and shake my head
-this is gonna take way too
long theyre gonna have the
cops after us- and richie
blows up again

-why do you always have to
be such a mincing little
queer- and i shout -fuck you
asshole you sound like
frejean- and he

grimaces and doesnt say
anything for a minute then he
punches the steering wheel
-fuck- runs his hand through
his hair and goes

-look just dont say anything
else until we get there okay-
and im like -fine whatever-
and we ride the rest of the
way there in silence