so the weather gets really bad again for a little while but thats pretty much winters last serious push and then
its spring and its really gushy and still kind of gray for some time but you can feel that its really over now
all the guys get up and out playing football and shit for a couple of days but that doesnt last too long before theyre basically back
in the common room in front of that screen doing the same shit drinking the same shit smoking the same shit
i spend some time walking around campus with the ipod on and i hang out in the library some
looking for stuff to read that isnt like about control systems or dead men or like the fabric of reality and shit
but weirdly that all feels kind of empty too so i end up hanging out on the roof a lot cuz apparently richie stopped
going up there i watch the stars a lot try not to think so much get out of myself a little bit
but if i dont watch where my mind goes it usually goes back to her and the lamp lighter and richie
i keep imagining the stuff i shouldve done i shouldve pulled him off her i shouldve said no early on when
we were in the car even worse sometimes i think of what he may have meant with all that
–have you had enough bitch- stuff and why he did what he did after he beat her up
and i can almost see sometimes where he was going what he wanted me to see but that feels way too much
like letting him win so i pull back from it try to just let it float away from me let it die
anyway this one day lunch im sitting with glass eye as usual and richie comes up and throws down into the seat opposite me
goes -whats up dee dee- just like that like nothings weird and nothings happened and i cant let myself let it go
or everythings just gonna slide back into place into the place it was so i just go
-thats not my name richie
-you know that- and he looks away scowls looks back to me -so what are you like all conflict hungry
-now that you got yr balls out for the first time in yr life- and i try not to get pissed
but its hard -no im not i was just saying that dee dees not my name- and he looks away again
looks back again -so do you want me to call you desmond now is that it kunta kinte- and i go
-kunta what- and he doesnt pay attention -yr name isnt desmond and if its not dee dee either then you dont have one
-you dont know who you are- and it like hits me in the face that hes right i dont know who i am
and i want so bad to let it go let it all go and let him tell me let him teach me who i am
but i dont -you may be right richie but at least i know who im not- and he laughs at me -ooooh
-okay tough guy- and he shakes his head laughing and gets up to leave and i go
-do you want yr books back- and he stops and looks off
-do i want my books back
-no keep them you need them now a lot more than i do thats for sure- walks away
-see you around desmond- and i dont say anything just sit there and watch him go
and it takes a minute or two after that but then suddenly out of nowhere glass eye speaks up
-not for nothing but this little romance between you two is seriously fucked up-
and im so shocked that he talked that i just stare at him while he goes back to eating his lunch
when i finally wake up again or let myself wake up or whatever nothing feels real nothing not last night
or this morning either it feels like a bad dream that happened to somebody else that they told me about twice removed
i dont even feel real i feel like i wanna jump out the window so maybe when i break on the pavement and it hurts
ill know im real again ill feel real but right now im just this shadow guy that shouldnt even be here
floating around like a ghost and i dont even know who i am now cuz i knew even early on last night
that things would be different today one way or another things would be different
but as uptight as i was i didnt expect that things would be different like this quieter somehow not this like final feeling
and i know that richie and me are done i cant hang with him anymore even if i wanted to and i dont
but a part of me wants to know what the fuck he was thinking about what the fuck he was trying to do
with all that at the motel but i cant ask him again i cant give him the like satisfaction of not knowing
so i gotta get used to not understanding to never really knowing what he was trying to //teach// me
and it makes me mad to even think about it like that like im some asshole that needs a new name
and a bunch of lessons to be cool enough to hang with him and as im getting more pissed off
i realize that i can do it that when he comes to hang out with me i can tell him to fuck off
but not that like dramatic or anything so he cant use it against me but i know its gonna be weird cuz
hes like my only friend at fairview fuck hes like my only real friend period now and my only real friend
is a rampaging dickwad that i cant hang with anymore if i wanna have like any dignity at all
its ridiculous its like im talking about a girl and i keep thinking about her too i didnt even know her name
its not like she wouldve told us her real name anyway it just wouldve been some bullshit hooker name
like –sparkle- or –chocolate- but at least then id have something i could call her in my head when i remember this
and i am always gonna remember this richie was right about that part at least i will never forget it
or the way i feel today and im always gonna be different from today onward
i have to be i cant really allow anything else
we get to the lamp lighter inn and richie parks a little ways from the office and gets out of the car still running
i get out to follow him in and he goes -dee dee you gotta stay here or its gonna get all screwed up-
im like -i cant stay in here alone with her- and richie goes -just relax im only gonna be a minute- i watch him go
get back in the car and shes talking again looking into the office -thats not earl where earl at earls my man
-aint earl working tonight- and idk if im supposed to respond or not but i just go
-idk who earl is-
she keeps talking anyway -shit where earl at- and i watch richie talking with the desk clerk and its hard to tell
cuz hes pretty far away but he seems kind of nervous too smiling and laughing like he never does and then hes
walking back to us and gets in the car with this fat lucite key chain swinging from his finger -lucky number 7-
she starts in -who that thats not earl aint earl working tonight- and richie goes -um
-i think his name was ben- and she kisses her teeth -shit ben i dont know no ben shit- richie shrugs
drives over to the other end of the motel and parks in front of room 7 and he pulls the connection
and the car rattles off then i really start to feel it in my stomach as we get out and walk to the door
like at the top of the roller coaster where you cant get out and yr going over no matter what
then richie goes -wait- and runs back to the car and for a second im like were gonna leave its gonna be okay
but he just goes in the back seat and runs right back to us shaking the drugstore bag at me -almost forgot-
then he opens the door and we go in and i find the light switch and its all brown and yellow and green
in there with this like shag carpet and fake wood paneling and theres this huge tv on the floor
but its encased in like almost a desk or a counter top and richie throws the key and the bag on top of it
turns to me -dee dee- and motions to the doorway where im still standing and i come in the rest of the way
shut the door behind me and then theres a moment there where were kind of frozen in time and no one moves
or says anything and then she breaks it -you know what you want- and richies all
-yeah get on the bed im first-
and she shrugs and starts taking off her clothes and im like on auto-pilot and i just start walking to the bathroom
on the other side of the room cuz its the only place i can go while this happens and richie goes -no dee dee
-sit- and he points to this chair next to the tv and i look at him and the chair and back at him
then i sit and he takes his leather jacket off and nothing seems real anymore it seems like a strange dream
like im not really there at all and everything is just kind of happening in front of me like in a movie or something
shes in her underwear now and its bright and red and it looks expensive and it contrasts with her
small skinny body and i kind of dont know why she doesnt take that off too but she lays on the bed
and smiles at richie -okay baby were gonna have a party now- and richie takes off his big black boots
but nothing else and i dont know why and hes got this kind of frozen smile and he to the bed
gets on and hes like over her and he looks at me and goes
-ARE YOU READY FOR THIS- in a death growl like at the beginning of the game and i laugh like
way too loud and i can feel my stomach churning but in my head its like weird and calm and then he goes
-are you really ready dee dee- and i play it off like
-yeah sure- but its like i can feel the bottom dropping out
from far away and then richie goes -okay then- and he turns to her propped up on the pillows
and slaps her hard with his right hand and shes down for a second
and then shes right back up screeching clawing for richies face and he must expect this
because he rocks back then throws his right and catches her on the jawline with a thud
and her head hits the pillow and her mouth is a silent O of pain
and all this must happen in like a second but it feels like an hour and its all in slow motion
and im on my feet and im screaming for him to stop but its like im watching myself do this
and he looks over at me and his eyes are blazing and his mouth twitches and he looks back down
and she raises her head from the pillow slower now seething with rage goes
-motherfucker-
and richie plows his left into her midsection and she buckles around it like her body was trying to trap it
and i scream -jesus christ stop it- and i can actually feel myself saying the words now
and he looks at me again bites his lip pulls his hand out and cocks his right murmurs
-have you had enough bitch-
she gasps breathes out -fuck you- and he punches her again in the face
and the crack is louder this time and she goes down harder and doesnt come back up
and she writhes in pain clutching the bedspread
and richies eyes spill over with tears and his face is all contorted and reddish and he says it louder now
-have you had enough bitch- almost formal like he was reading off a script
and she doesnt speak but responds with another run at his eyes with her nails
richie slaps her arms away from him and jams his left hand down on her throat
cocks his right again and brings it down on the bridge of her nose with a high hard crack
and a strange strangled sound escapes from her throat and richie asks again louder more frantic
-have you had enough bitch-
and she screams and he breaks it off with a backhand
and im standing over them now screaming crying
-jesus christ please stop please stop-
and richie closes his eyes places his fists knuckles down at his sides on the bed
his chin drops to his chest and his voice rises to a high-pitched scream
-YOURE NOT LISTENING-
he opens his eyes turns his face to me stained with tears gaze burning voice shaking barely controlled
-HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH BITCH-
and i finally answer him -yes yes god yes- and his shoulders slump and he closes his eyes
i wipe my face breath all ragged
neither of us speak again and her soft moaning is all i can hear
richie slowly and carefully gets up from the bed then moves silently towards the bathroom
i stop him on the way
-hey weve gotta get the fuck out of here-
he just says -shut yr fucking mouth- wipes his cheeks and goes into the bathroom where he starts to run the bathwater
then re-emerges and goes back to the bed while i just stand off to the side watching
he moves to turn her crumpled form from her side onto her back and she comes alive like waking from a nightmare
arms and legs flailing and richie just goes -its okay its okay its okay- until she stops exhausted and in pain
then he pulls her small skinny frame to the edge of the bed and collects her up into his arms
stands with a small effort then carries her body into the bathroom
he uses the wall for leverage then attempts to lower her into the tub as carefully as he can
he slips once but catches her around the waist and she lets loose this terrible moan
but he finally gets her completely in the bathtub and her head lolls against the side until he props it up with a towel
he comes back in and grabs the drugstore bag without even looking at me and goes back in and i just sit down
he kneels down next to the tub and turns the taps off and pulls two pink and blue boxes out
and pours these powders into the water i can hear it foam upeven from the other room and she makes a little sound
and he puts his hand on her head and shes quiet again and then he goes back in the bag
gets out some cotton balls and a couple of clear bottles and begins to work gently on her face
then when hes done with that he drains the tub and slowly stands her up shaking and dripping
and he takes two towels and carefully pats her dry avoiding the places where he hit her
once shes dry he helps her out of the tub and sits her on the toilet seat and pulls some ace bandages and gauze
and stuff out of the bag and i stop watching and turn the chair around and put on the tv
and it takes like a minute before the sound kicks in but once it does
richie flies out of the bathroom in a rage -what the fuck- and jams his heel into the power button
which immediately breaks off and the tv winks out into this little white dot and he screams at me
-you put on the fucking tv what the fuck is wrong with you- and i explode
-whats wrong with me are you fucking insane you bring me here you do this thing to her to me
-you sick fuck what is this a a fucking lesson fuck you- and i start laughing
-fuck you fucking maniac- and he just stares at me and doesnt say anything
then grabs this brown ice bucket off the plywood dresser and goes back into the bathroom
and fills it with soap and water i get up and walk to the doorway and stand there watching
richie kneels at her feet and shes like kind of asleep and her face is puffing up like crazy
richie takes one of the towels dips it in the bucket and starts washing her feet
and hes being like super careful and paying attention to the blisters and stuff
then he starts crying and he keeps saying -im sorry im sorry- over and over and her eyes like half open
and her hand moves up and falls through empty space and she burbles out -thass okay baby
-it aint the worst i ever had- richie keeps sobbing and she closes her eyes again then i leave the doorway
and sit on the bed until its over when they come out she slowly dresses herself then richie leads her to the door
he gives her all the money and he tells her what to tell her pimp and he tells her what to do
to maybe stay off the street for a couple of days and she takes the money and she nods and she leaves
and richie sits on the bed looking away from me and he breathes out real heavy and then suddenly the phone goes off
richie jumps back up and grabs it and just listens for a minute before he hangs it back up
-it was the guy at the desk politely reminding us of our check-out time-
we drive back to fairview in silence richie drops me off at the dorm drives away without saying anything
and then something is over
so of course after all that the next time richie wants to steal a car it has to be nulles car
apparently mrs cuddy is gone which provides richie with a convenient excuse not to take his and its not like
stealing cuddys car was relaxing or anything but with nulles its somehow scarier cuz if cuddy caught us
thered probably be cops and it would be a nightmare but if nulles catches us it seems like theres a real possibility
that he will actually kill us but richie doesnt care and i dont really have a choice in the matter so we
sneak out and down the road to the off campus housing again and the warmer weather makes it easier to hide cuz
theres hardly any snow which is great cuz we actually need to hide this time when a car comes and me and richie
duck into the bushes and they dont see us and we cant tell whos driving from where we are but whatever
and we climb back out onto the road and finish the trek to nulles house and richie goes into the garage
and i watch the street and i can see richie in there with a penlight doing something and then hes
lifting the garage door super slow and it still makes more noise than i want it to but then its open
and he motions me in and for some reason its easier for richie to get into nulles lincoln continental than
cuddys bmw but i dont ask why i just help him push it into the street and i look up at
the darkened windows of the house and i swear i see the gleam of red tinted glasses and i go
-holy shit holy shit- and richie goes -what- and i whisper -i think i saw nulles- and richie looks back from
the drivers door where hes pushing and goes -its nothing dee dee keep pushing- and i look back and
theres nothing there now so i keep pushing until were in the street and richie jumps in and ten seconds later it starts with a roar
which scares the shit out of me but then after that it runs really quiet so i calm myself and get in
and we roll slowly out and onto the highway and richie guns it a little bit but its not nearly as responsive
as the bmw and richie goes
-just like his poky ass to drive something like this- and i look through
the glove box and the visor and theres nothing no cds and hardly anything really and richie goes -dont bother
-he doesnt leave any traces no personality you see- and i kind of dont get it but i put on the radio and its all like the factory presets
one rock one jazz one top forty one christian and its weird but it kind of makes sense with what richie said
so i turn off the radio and turn to him and ask -so where are we going tonight- trying not to sound
nervous and weird so he doesnt get all uptight with me again and he smiles -its a surprise- and i go
-so were not going back to boxer- kind of disappointed and richie goes -its a surprise if i told you
-it wouldnt be a surprise anymore- and i just sit back -okay cool- and he sneaks a look at me and smiles
-ill just tell you this dee dee you will never forget this night as long as you live- and i laugh
-okay cryptic guy ill try not to explode with anticipation- and richie goes -nice use of the word cryptic dee dee-
and im pleased in spite of myself -yeah i thought so- so we keep driving and eventually we end up in white rock
and richie pulls into an all night drugstore -i gotta leave this thing running wait here- and im like-where the fuck am i gonna
go- and he smiles slams the
door and runs in
and were actually in a pretty
sketchy part of white rock
and theres like crackheads
and other creeps all over
walking by and shouting at
each other so i just put on the
radio and avoid making eye
contact
but i cant keep myself from
trying to imagine where were
gonna go and what we could
possibly be doing here
and then richies back and he
throws a big bag in the back
seat and i hear plastic bottles
tumbling around in there
and i go -jesus that was
quick- and richie smiles and
puts the lincoln in gear -i
didnt want to take the chance
-that youd get too nervous
and ditch me- and i scoff -as
if- and richie backs out into
the street
almost running over this
homeless guy in the process
and then were off again and
richie starts slowing down in
this
even seedier part of white
rock where theres like all
these empty factories and
dingy bars and then i start
noticing
some of the women looking
into the car as we pass and
then richie goes -so which
one do you want-
and i sigh -what are you
talking about richie- and he
repeats himself -which-one-
do-you-want
-were popping yr cherry
tonight boy- and suddenly all
those skinny women peering
into the car come into focus
and i exclaim
-what with a fucking hooker-
and richie calmly replies -of
course with a fucking hooker
you dont think yr ever
-gonna get any pussy sitting
around the dorm playing
pimptastic 2 do you- then he
laughs -yr performance at
boxer
-didnt exactly flood me with
confidence in yr abilities
either- then he shrugs
-besides its my treat- and im
like
-gee thanks- and i look out
at all the smeary red and blue
lights -i didnt know catching
aids was gonna be the
surprise-
richie snorts dismissively -yr
not gonna catch aids- he
reaches into the back seat and
shakes the plastic bag
-thats what all this is for- and
i dont say anything for a
minute until i say
-i dont want my first time to
be with some fucking whore-
and i realize as soon as i say
it
that its the first time i ever
admitted to that ever
especially to richie but he just
takes it in stride
-why dee dee do you think
you might regret it- and i
just quietly go -fuck you-
and he laughs at me
and then slows the car to a
crawl as we approach this
especially dimly lit corner
and he goes -there she is
-thats the one- and he swings
the steering wheel around
lazily and we come to a stop
and im all -what do you
mean-
-what the fuck is- and then
shes there at the passenger
side bobbing up and down
stick thin and black
short dyed blonde hair
scarred lips yellow eyes and
mottled teeth shes wearing a
satin jacket even though its
way too cold
but her black leather
miniskirt cant be helping
either she totters on stiletto
heels while richie finds the
window toggle
even though im gesturing
frantically for him not to the
window comes down and she
leans in over me grinning
showing a pipe stem shaped
divide in her teeth -hey baby
you on yr way to a party-
and richie goes -yeah you
wanna come with us-
the sound of his voice makes
her face drop and she kisses
her teeth -i dont do no father
and son shit
-thats fucked up- richie leans
into the light of the street
lamp -im younger than he is-
and he points to me
she looks at us shakes her
head then looks again -lunch
money motherfuckers you
aint got shit
-no money motherfuckers
shit- she starts backing away
stilettos clacking on the
pavement and i see my
chance and whisper
to richie -drive drive drive-
but he just says -no wait-
and he pulls something out of
his jacket and holds his hand
out towards her
and opens his fist palm up
and theres a fat green roll
sitting there tied with two
rubber bands and he says to
her
-my dad gave me some extra
lunch money today- and she
peers in again and her tone
becomes immediately
businesslike
-okay what you do is you
drive up here make that first
left at the light- and richie
puts the money away
says -no get in well take
you to the party- and she
straightens up theatrically
-fuck you- and richie goes
-look i just want to have a
party i dont wanna meet yr
pimp or yr brother or anyone
in the closet
-or behind the door i just
wanna take you to the lamp
lighter inn and have a party-
and her face softens a little
i dont know why -the lamp
lighter- richie nods -yeah
yeah- she looks off does the
math in her head shrugs
-okay- she goes to the rear
door and richie looks for the
toggle to unlock it while i just
sit there going –fuck fuck
fuck-
she climbs in all elbows and
knees pulls the door shut
behind her grinning again
-all right babies were gonna
have a good time now-
she pulls out a compact and
tentatively touches her face
-just dont fall in love with me
that happens sometimes
-the first time you know- and
richie pulls out into the street
looks into the rearview -first
time what first time-
she explodes in laughter -oh
baby the first time you drove
a car the fuck you think- she
shakes her head and laughs
again
-the first time you drove a car
the fuck you think- richie
laughs with her and i just
kind of
hug my sides and tighten up
even more
