STAGE is decorated with a BIG YELLOW FAKE SUN hanging from a PAINTED BLUE SKY BACKDROP over a set of FAKE PAINTED WAVES. From behind the WAVES up juts a BROWN LIFEBOAT, CENTER STAGE for the duration of the performance. The WAVES are moved slowly back and forth throughout, a basic approximation of the movement of the sea.
There are seven survivors in the lifeboat: the CHIEF, the FIRST MATE, BILL, MILO, DEBBIE, WENDY and STEVE. All are exhausted and very thin. All are normal humans except STEVE, who has a gigantic T-bone steak for a head. STEVE only has a mouth - he has affixed two very large GOOGLY EYES to the steak to make it look like he has an entire face. STEVE sits in the middle of the boat with three other survivors on each side.
An uncomfortable silence descends upon the lifeboat. STEVE slowly stirs.
Smaller chorus of nods.
More tired nodding.
STEVE pauses, shakes head.
STEVE begins striking his own T-bone steak head.
STEVE pauses, thinks.
STEVE pauses again, overcome with emotion.
WENDY waves her hands at STEVE.
FIRST MATE shrugs. All the other castaways look at each other. WENDY is the first to get up.
WENDY makes her way carefully over to STEVE, touches the side of his head gently and speaks very slowly and purposefully.
WENDY places both her hands on STEVE's massive head, and then takes a long lick. WENDY waits, taking stock of the flavor, then begins licking STEVE's head almost frantically. DEBBIE gets up.
DEBBIE moves slowly over to the other side of STEVE's head. DEBBIE takes a couple of tentative licks, responds to the taste and begins licking at nearly the same speed as WENDY.
Neither WENDY or DEBBIE pauses to answer; in fact, both have begun moaning and grunting in an almost sexual pleasure. MILO gets up.
From out of nowhere, the SOUND OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY is heard. MILO makes his way over to STEVE, places himself between WENDY and DEBBIE and behind STEVE and immediately begins licking his head like crazy. The moaning from WENDY and DEBBIE increases in volume and intensity. STEVE slowly puts his hands on WENDY and DEBBIE's exposed calves. They continue, unabated. STEVE slides his hands up the ladies' thighs. Both still continue licking and moaning. STEVE slides both his hands up into WENDY and DEBBIE's crotches. WENDY and DEBBIE immediately pull back, push STEVE's hands away.
STEVE holds his steak-head, leans forward shamefully. MILO continues licking, unaware or uncaring of events around him. Suddenly, the FIRST MATE perks up, pointing off UPPER STAGE LEFT.
EVERYONE bounds up excitedly, cheering, laughing. The SOUND OF A BUZZING HELICOPTER is heard, SLOWLY GROWING IN VOLUME until it reaches its maximum volume hovering over the lifeboat. OFFSTAGE industrial strength fans blow fiercely at the boat, buffeting the hair and clothing of the survivors. Suddenly, a ROPE LADDER drops from the rafters. All the survivors begin to ascend: first the two ladies, then MILO, the CHIEF, and the FIRST MATE. BILL is next to last and gives STEVE a sickly smile as BILL lets go of the rope ladder and speaks to STEVE.
BILL immediately begins punching STEVE as hard as he can in STEVE's steak-head. STEVE shouts but it can barely be heard above the over-whelming sound of the helicopter. Once STEVE is subdued, BILL leans down and starts taking huge bites out of STEVE's head. STEVE is screaming at this point, but again, it can barely be heard over the helicopter. BILL eventually sits up, his face, hands and clothes covered with blood. STEVE lies prone, apparently dead. BILL belches and begins to ascend the rope ladder. As BILL climbs, he shouts up loud enough to be heard over the sound of the helicopter.
Ad infinitum. FIN