RICHIE - CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

later that night richie comes
busting into my room and
goes -holy shit you have got
to hear this you are gonna
shit yourself-

and hes so different than the
last time i saw him its kind of
blowing my mind and i sit up
on my bed and go –what
whats going on-

and he jumps on the end of
the bed in his boots and
everything and hes jumping
up and down and im like
-hey cut the shit-

but im laughing too cuz its so
crazy so finally he stops
jumping and just slams down
onto my bed so hard it almost
busts the springs

and he goes -so you know
what happened before with
all the stuff on my wall- and
i go -yeah- kind of weirded
out that he

knew i was there but not
interested in faking it at this
point and he goes -yeah so
then i get called over to see
cuddy and i go there-

he pauses -have you ever
been in his office before- and
i say –no- and he goes -its
all like tasteful swedish
modern with all this

-blonde wood and polished
metal and like black cloth
couches and shit ikea area
rugs real 1990s yuppie-

and i go -whats ikea- and he
waves me off -doesnt matter-
and i stop asking questions
and just listen to richie tell
the story

-so cuddys got this ambient
new age music just quietly
burbling out of the speakers
and he says –is this all right
or would you

-prefer something more
uptempo- and i dont care so i
dont say anything just stand
there and he gestures to one
of the chairs and says

-have a seat- so i just fall
back into it and im totally
annoyed at this point because
im pretty sure i know whats
coming

so cuddy turns the chair away
from his desk to face me and
theres this glass coffee table
between us and he points to it

-do you mind if i put my feet
up- and i just shrug and he
puts his feet up and it feels
weird cuz hes being so
courteous to me

even though im pretty sure
that he knows that i stole his
car and did the graffiti on the
commons wall so i just start
talking

and i tell him that it smells
like lemon pledge in there
cuz it did and he pulls this
vaporizer from under the
table

-laurel and lemon- he tells
me smiling like i somehow
care about his fucking air
freshener so i sigh and just
ask him

outright why he asked me to
come to his office and he
leans back and steeples his
hands and goes

-well richie by now youve
seen what happened to yr
wall- and i go yeah and he
nods and asks -any idea why
someone

-would do something like
that- and i tell him that the
implied request was clear
from what he said during the
room search

and he leans in and goes
-clear to who and why- and i
tell him to stop asking me
questions that he already
knows the answers to

so cuddy settles in at this
point and says -youre an
intelligent young man richie
and i know that youve got a
bright future-

and i say oh boy and he
starts getting irritated -so im
going to do you a big favor
and explain to you how the
world works

-how it works now- and im
actually interested to see
where hes gonna go with this
so i dont say anything else
and just

let him talk -the world
operates on three basic
principles okay boredom
stimulation and the path of
least resistance-

and he pauses like hes
waiting for me to say
something smarmy but im
just like okay so he nods
and goes on

-the world itself work eat
sleep work eat sleep is a bore
right this is why punk rock
happened- and im so thrown

by the reference to punk rock
that i dont even know what to
say he keeps going
-eating sleeping showering
dressing

-driving walking breathing
scratching shitting pissing a
million billion times until
you die youre bored already
imagine how bored

-youll be at 30 at 50- and i
honestly didnt expect this line
so i nod him on and he claps
his hands together -so
stimulation

-games dvds satellite radio
satellite tv digital downloads
ipods cellphones billions of
websites virtual reality pretty
soon- and he pauses

and thinks for a second -do
you remember richie this
may be before yr time but
there were these things called
culture wars-

i shake my head -people
actually used to get into these
violent conflicts over which
side they were on pro-life or
pro-choice

-gay or straight red state or
blue state now today which
side are you on has become
the line between everyone
who is boring me

-versus everyone who is
stimulating me making me
feel alive giving me choices-
i must look confused cuz he
gives examples

-what do i want to watch
today which song is gonna
start my day right which
woman and there are
millions my boy

-which woman is gonna make
my dick hard today- and
cuddy sighs contentedly -it is
truly an amazing time to be
alive-

so then i ask him about the
third thing the path of least
resistance and he smiles –this
is the genius part- and then
asks me

-how do you feel when yr
bored- and i play along and
say irritated sluggish empty
restless kinda tired

and he goes -exactly so lets
say thats how you feel right
now- and i smile and tell him
thatll be easy and he laughs

-fuck you kid anyway yr
bored tired irritated no
energy but look- and he
holds up an imaginary object

-ive got a copy of young
lesbians with machine guns
on dvd a bunch of blonde big
titty bitches who go on
missions

-blow a bunch of shit up and
in their down time eat each
others pussies- and i say im
with him and he says

-i thought you would be so
ill give you this dvd but you
have to do something for me
first you can either

-move bricks from the
physical plant to the rose
garden for one hour or-
thinks for a second -you can
come up with

-yr own project anything you
want something fun plan it
out complete it and bring it
back to me tomorrow

-which one would you
choose- and i lean in ask if i
could do anything i want for
the project and he nods

-anything art music writing
anything you name it- and
he settles back and interlaces
his fingers on his lap

i eventually sigh and tell him
that id move the bricks for an
hour and he raises his index
finger -the path of least
resisitance

-thus endeth the lesson you
need to make a choice richie
and the sooner you make it
the better off youll be do you

-want to bore people do you
want to stimulate people or
do you want to be the one
who controls what they
choose-

and i think for a minute ask
if they cant all be the same
person and cuddy gives me
this weird smile and shakes
his finger at me

-i knew you were a smart one
richie honestly if you learn
only one thing from yr time
at fairview learn this

-there is no stimulation no
buzz in the world like
control its the only buzz that
lasts- and i shake my head

say i cant get my head around
the idea that people are that
predictable that you can
really make them choose
what you want

them to just by making it
easier or less boring and
cuddy gets all serious -dont
fool yrself richie everyones
got strings

-and they can all be pulled if
you just learn how to do it
just become the master of yr
own life and make sure you
end up the one

-pulling the strings on it- and
i sigh and i tell him that i cant
believe im saying it but i
thank him and extend my
hand

and he smiles indulgently at
me -yr very welcome- and
extends his hand in kind and i
grab it to shake

then i clutch it in a death-grip
and i pull him up hard out of
his seat and i stand up at the
same time and i grab

the back of his neck with my
left hand and pull him in
close over the coffee table for
a kiss

and he struggles and tries to
release my hand and push on
my chest with his left but i
keep clutching his right and

ive got my mouth jammed
hard on his and im like
slobbering all over him and
trying to probe in with my
tongue and hes

gagging and making these
terrible sounds and i start to
laugh so i finally let him go
and we both slam back down
into our chairs

and i laugh again and slap my
knees and say well then and
i get up to leave and right
before i get to the door he

gets his voice back all hoarse
and says -richie you little
prick i knew you were going
to do that-

and i look back at him and
arch my eyebrows say yeah
i dont think so

i spit on his ikea rug and tell
him if that were true you
wouldve brushed yr fucking
teeth

and i open the door slip out
quietly and slowly and
deliberately close it after me

so what do you think dee dee
pretty awesome or what-

and im sitting there staring at
richie with my mouth wide
open and i have no idea what
to think or say except

-holy shit holy shit you
fucking kissed him- and
richie laughs again -smack
dab right on the lips

-i am fucking king shit- and
im like -what the fuck did
you do that for- and he looks
at me like im an idiot

-cuz im in love with him
what do you fucking think he
cant control me he cant
predict what im gonna do

-fuck him and his path of
least resistance ive read krol
unedited krol hes got nothing
on me- i go

-but why the kiss- and richie
shrugs -i didnt have a lot of
props at my disposal dee dee
i came up with that one on
the fly-

i just stop for a minute and
shake my head -so what does
all this mean though- and
richie gets all serious for a
second

-what it means dee dee is
that yr learning curve just got
a whole lot steeper- and he
jumps up

and hes out of my room as
fast as he came in and im
sitting there still reeling

just trying to somehow catch
up with him as usual