* This is a fictionalized account of some shit that actually happened. All the names, locations, etc. have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. – JG *
INTERIOR – GRIFFIN’S GARAGE – DAY
Hoover, D-Man, Griffin and the Misery Kid are in the garage again, rocking as hard as they possibly can on a new song. They all play the same instruments as before, and Hoover’s microphone is still affixed to an old vacuum cleaner as a stand.
HOOVER
(sings)
Useta wanna have a good job
Wear a big suit and a tie
But the Dow Jones went down and so did I
Useta wanna have a family
A smiling skull to press in a frame
But the station wagon exploded in flames
I! Want! This!
More than anything!
Flowers...
Then the Misery Kid leans into the mic and lets loose a huge, Black Francis-style scream, and the band slams the song home. Hoover looks askance at the other band members.
HOOVER
Cool?
D-MAN
Yeah, it’s awesome.
MISERY KID
It’s nothing without that scream, man.
You gotta leave the scream in.
Hoover smiles.
HOOVER
Yeah, yeah, you can keep the scream.
The Misery Kid pumps his fist.
MISERY KID
(To D-Man)
Yes! In your face, Damien!
D-MAN
(confused)
What? I liked the scream.
MISERY KID
Anyway, since I’ve now decided to stay in
this crappy band, I may as well tell you that
I signed us up for Fall-Fest.
GRIFFIN
Fall-Fest?! No way!
D-MAN
We’re not ready!
Hoover gestures to the vacuum cleaner.
HOOVER
We don’t even have a real mic stand!
MISERY KID
They’ll give us a mic stand!
D-MAN
We don’t have enough songs!
MISERY KID
Oh my god, you pussies. All we need is 3 songs.
3 songs. We’ve got 2 already! All McDangle here
(gestures to Hoover) needs to do is pump one
more out and we’re all set.
The other three look at each other warily. The Kid looks at them, waiting.
GRIFFIN
Hang on. We don’t even have a name for the
band.
The Kid smiles.
MISERY KID
Don’t sweat it. I had to give them a name when
I signed us up.
Hoover puts his head in his hands.
HOOVER
Oh god. What did you tell them?
The Kid steps back, grins and poses.
MISERY KID
“Big Smashies”.
GRIFFIN
That’s ridiculous.
D-MAN
I am not gonna be in a band called “Big
Smashies”!
HOOVER
Wow. That’s pretty bad, Kid.
MISERY KID
No, no, no listen, dig this: we’ll be between
Big Black and Big Star in the record racks!
They all take a minute to let that sink in.
MISERY KID
Huh? Huh?
HOOVER
Okay. It’s okay for Fall-Fest but if we find a
better name we’re changing it immediately.
MISERY KID
Whatever. (picks at his guitar for a minute)
So, anyway, we gotta write another song.
Hoover tilts his head.
HOOVER
We-ee-ll, I might have something.
D-MAN
Cool! Let us hear it!
HOOVER
It’s not done yet, but I can sing you the melody
and most of the words.
GRIFFIN
Go for it.
Hoover sighs and begins to click his sticks together.
HOOVER
1, 2, 3, 4!
CUT TO BLACK
