"SNAKELAND MUST BE DESTROYED!": SCENE TWELVE

* This is a fictionalized account of some shit that actually happened. All the names, locations, etc. have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. – JG *

INTERIOR – GRIFFIN’S GARAGE – DAY

Hoover, D-Man, Griffin and the Misery Kid are in the garage again, rocking as hard as they possibly can on a new song. They all play the same instruments as before, and Hoover’s microphone is still affixed to an old vacuum cleaner as a stand.

HOOVER

(sings)

Useta wanna have a good job

Wear a big suit and a tie

But the Dow Jones went down and so did I

Useta wanna have a family

A smiling skull to press in a frame

But the station wagon exploded in flames

I! Want! This!

More than anything!

Flowers...

Then the Misery Kid leans into the mic and lets loose a huge, Black Francis-style scream, and the band slams the song home. Hoover looks askance at the other band members.

HOOVER

Cool?

D-MAN

Yeah, it’s awesome.

MISERY KID

It’s nothing without that scream, man.

You gotta leave the scream in.

Hoover smiles.

HOOVER

Yeah, yeah, you can keep the scream.

The Misery Kid pumps his fist.

MISERY KID

(To D-Man)

Yes! In your face, Damien!

D-MAN

(confused)

What? I liked the scream.

MISERY KID

Anyway, since I’ve now decided to stay in

this crappy band, I may as well tell you that

I signed us up for Fall-Fest.

GRIFFIN

Fall-Fest?! No way!

D-MAN

We’re not ready!

Hoover gestures to the vacuum cleaner.

HOOVER

We don’t even have a real mic stand!

MISERY KID

They’ll give us a mic stand!

D-MAN

We don’t have enough songs!

MISERY KID

Oh my god, you pussies. All we need is 3 songs.

3 songs. We’ve got 2 already! All McDangle here

(gestures to Hoover) needs to do is pump one

more out and we’re all set.

The other three look at each other warily. The Kid looks at them, waiting.

GRIFFIN

Hang on. We don’t even have a name for the

band.

The Kid smiles.

MISERY KID

Don’t sweat it. I had to give them a name when

I signed us up.

Hoover puts his head in his hands.

HOOVER

Oh god. What did you tell them?

The Kid steps back, grins and poses.

MISERY KID

“Big Smashies”.

GRIFFIN

That’s ridiculous.

D-MAN

I am not gonna be in a band called “Big

Smashies”!

HOOVER

Wow. That’s pretty bad, Kid.

MISERY KID

No, no, no listen, dig this: we’ll be between

Big Black and Big Star in the record racks!

They all take a minute to let that sink in.

MISERY KID

Huh? Huh?

HOOVER

Okay. It’s okay for Fall-Fest but if we find a

better name we’re changing it immediately.

MISERY KID

Whatever. (picks at his guitar for a minute)

So, anyway, we gotta write another song.

Hoover tilts his head.

HOOVER

We-ee-ll, I might have something.

D-MAN

Cool! Let us hear it!

HOOVER

It’s not done yet, but I can sing you the melody

and most of the words.

GRIFFIN

Go for it.

Hoover sighs and begins to click his sticks together.

HOOVER

1, 2, 3, 4!

CUT TO BLACK

"SNAKELAND MUST BE DESTROYED!": SCENE ELEVEN

* This is a fictionalized account of some shit that actually happened. All the names, locations, etc. have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. – JG *

EXTERIOR – “SNAKELAND” – DAY

Hoover, D-Man and Griffin walk up to the front gates of “Snakeland”, the abandoned Awl-Grain grain elevators. The iron front gates are obviously industrial, but are also kind of gothic – Snakeland is the Haunted Castle in addition to being an abandoned industrial wonderland of places to party and have sex. Griffin simply pushes the chained gates apart widely enough so that all three of them can slip between and into Snakeland. On the soundtrack, the doomy “Candidate” by Joy Division begins.

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INTERIOR – “SNAKELAND” – DAY

Hoover, D-Man and Griffin walk gingerly through the cavernous interior, the individual chutes from each of the nine separate grain elevators hanging above their heads. The three young men walk across the concrete floor, avoiding gaping holes and broken glass. They exchange glances frequently but don’t say anything until they reach the other side.

CUT TO:

EXTERIOR – REAR OF “SNAKELAND” – DAY

Hoover, D-Man and Griffin emerge through a door into the expanse behind Snakeland. There is a huge mural of the devil’s face on the outside wall. There is also a large pond full of dirty rainwater. On the other side of the pond are the railroad tracks where they found Hannah Graeber.

D-MAN

This place is pretty fucking spooky, man.

Griffin looks down.

GRIFFIN

Whoa – look at this.

Griffin picks up a copy of “The Satanic Bible” by Anton LaVey off the ground, brushes off the dirt.

HOOVER

Yikes.

Griffin drops the book back onto the ground. Hoover kicks some empty bottles. Suddenly, by the side of the pond, a cat and a rat (nearly as big as the cat) begin spitting and fighting. A train rockets by in the background, blowing its whistle.

HOOVER

Hmm...”Cats and rats have heart attacks...”

Hoover turns back to Griffin and D-Man, who are already almost back in the door.

D-MAN

Holy shit, are you coming?!?

CUT TO: