Friday, September 25, 2009

RICHIE - CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)



next day i get back to the
dorm after school and i walk
by richies room and hes
standing by the side of his
bed

and hes looking at the wall

and i dont say anything but
just walk closer to the door
and all the pictures

of salinas on 12/01 have been

ripped down the wall is
empty except for little pieces
of tape and tack holes

and little fragments of paper

still fluttering here and there
and richie reaches out to
touch one with his finger

then sadly just lets his arm

drop to his side and continues
to stare at the now empty
wall and i

want to go in and say

something or do something
but i have no idea what and
the ripped pictures arent even
there

crumpled on the floor or in

the garbage can theyre just
gone basically and im angry
and confused but mostly

im just sad cuz ive never seen

richie like this its strange he
just looks defeated and
weirdly old like not 16 but

like a grown man and not in a

good way like idk middle-
aged and sad like my dad or
something and i just

keep standing there looking

at him and i want to leave
before he turns and sees me
but its like i cant

i just keep watching him idk

why its like i have nothing to
gain but i just keep watching
him anyway

and then i hear this like

happy shout come from the
common room and i look
over and justin comes out
smiling

he sweeps the hair out of his

eyes and sees me -hey
somebody put the g5 back-
he waits for a reaction

but i dont really know what
to say so he goes -so thats
cool- and then he walks up
to richies door

moves in next to me in the
doorway and goes -hey
richie cuddys office called
the dorm he wants to see
you- then turns

back to me -were playing
gridiron extreme- then
smiles again and goes right
back into the common room
i turn back to richie

in time to see his chin drop to
his chest he doesnt say
anything doesnt move again

and suddenly i dont want to
stay any longer so i just turn
around and leave




5 comments:

tipota said...

richie is such a character, you think you know him and then something else unfolds, he is one of my favorite alltime leading men. he's a little stoic sometimes and its somehow refreshing. he's a sort of maverick, theres something exciting about that. hes right up front and he also keeps it in. i really like richie and his pal the narrator is a thoughtful reflection and quick reaction
and quite raw, funny as well as sweet in his musings.
thanks jason, this is a masters work and a joy to read

tipota said...

i forgot to mention the moments where you are at the wall and the details of bits of refuse, the atmospheric details of scene and place, some seem 2 b barely brushed and r really great and vivid while laid back
and absorbed

see, it really got to me. sorry for talking too much!

Paul said...

This chapter is all about control of tone, emotional tone and you've pulled it off brilliantly again. You have a gift for opening out the internal life of your characters without any unnecessary description. You don't say, he is feeling blah blah, you just evoke the emotion through the writing. Amazing.

Mariana Soffer said...

Another great tale/poem, faithfull to your style, antratayining, and magic at the same time.

I loved the endnging simplie and neat!
Cuz you do it clear!

Take care dude

Maxine said...

the tone of this chapter is so folorn. we are starting to crawl inside richie's head and look out, rather than standing by looking in.