RICHIE - CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

so a couple of days later the
g5 goes missing from the
common room which is weird
cuz it wasnt the memory card

or one of the games but the
entire system which doesnt
make any sense cuz first off
how could someone hide it
and secondly

no one could use it in their
room or something without
everyone knowing but either
way its gone and after school
cuddy and nulles

and a few of the physical
plant workers come to the
dorm and start doing room
searches looking for it and
none of the guys object at all

including me and they go
through almost like
apologetically and when they
actually find something like
porn

or weed or a bottle of vodka
cuddy just goes like –watley
take care of this- or
–malachowski i dont want to
see this again-

and they just move on not
even taking the stuff they
found which is kinda crazy to
me but the physical plant
guys are

totally stone faced they just
seem to be there to like
lift mattresses and stuff and it
feels super weird when they
go through my room

but they dont find anything
and cuddys just like all
sheepish –sorry- and im like
–its cool- and nulles just
stands there with his

red glasses and tight little
mouth all creepy and shit and
they just move on to the next
one and all of us just kind of
follow

from room to room and
watch all clustered around the
doorways as they do exactly
the same thing to everybody
and find no g5 of course

but then they get to richies
room and it gets like tenser
cuz i think a lot of the guys
here think richie did it even
though

i know thats absolutely
ridiculous but when were all
standing at his door frejean
goes to tyshawn –he
definitely did it

-he hates video games- and i
go –why the fuck would he
steal the g5 if he hates it so
much- and frejean looks over
his shoulder at me

like im retarded -so none of
us can play it dumbass- then
he looks at tyshawn shakes
his head and looks back into
the room

where cuddy and nulles and
the physical plant guys are
standing in front of richies
bed taking up almost all of
the available space

and richies sitting on the bed
with his arms folded and
cuddy smiles at him -richie
you know what were doing
here may i take a look

-through yr room for the
missing g5- richie smiles
back -no you may not-
cuddy mustve been expecting
this cuz he just goes

-why would you respond to
my request in that manner i
wonder- and richies smile
nearly breaks when he says
-because its invasive

-because its condescending
because it betrays trust-
cuddy raises his eyebrows
-trust- richie says –yes

-you should just ask me if i
did it id say no why the hell
would i you trust me the
end- cuddy gestures briefly
back at all of us

at the door -none of yr
classmates had any problem
with the search- and richie
looks away shrugs looks
back

-maybe they didnt think it
through clearly enough- and
someone not frejean shouts
from the back -let him look
asshole- and a few

guys laugh cuddy turns
shakes his head gestures with
his hand silence again his
tone is regretful -you know if
you dont let us search

-and all yr classmates do-
breathes -the finger of
suspicion will remain pointed
at you rightfully or not- tilts
his head

-can you withstand that sort
of pressure- and richie
doesnt even acknowledge the
threat -sure because i didnt
do it and you

-and everyone else should
believe me when i say that-
and cuddy is about to go on
when his eye is caught by
something on the bed

-is that yr teddy bear richie-
and richie smiles -sure is
thats ah pook the destroyer-
and nulles grunts and cuddys
face falls

-did you spray paint the wall
in the commons richie- and
richie doesnt look away but
doesnt respond either cuddy
steps closer

-did you take my car richie-
and richie looks away and
cuddy nods bites his lower lip
-okay i think were done
here-

then goes to turn away but he
is stopped again by all the
salinas school shooting stuff
taped up on richies wall he
gestures to it

-do you think this is
appropriate- and richie looks
up at the wall then back to
cuddy -i didnt know we had
to clear

-our room decorations with
you too- cuddy nods -room
decorations hmm- turns to
the physical plant guys -lets
move on- and they backtrack

through us at the door but
nulles stares at richie for a
few moments seething and
richie just stares back until
nulles grunts

turns on his heel and
steamrollers through the door
after hes gone the guys pour
into the room tyshawn goes
-were gonna get you

-you fucking asshole- and
frejean points at richie
-fucking dick that g5 better
be back tonight- richie clicks
his tongue and shrugs

and everyone else leaves but
me i ask him -what was that
all about- and richie starts
sorting a pile of books on his bed

-im just not gonna put up
with that kind of shit- and i
go -but if you let them look
they wouldnt have found
anything

-and this would already be
over for you now everybody
thinks you did it- richie sighs
-yeah i know but i didnt- and
i think for a minute

-is this like a principle thing-
and richie straightens up
looks at me -yeah its like a
principle thing-

i sit down on the other end of
the bed and start looking
through the books -you
know everyone thinks im an
asshole

-for even hanging out with
you- and he scoffs -so dont-
and i find this book by phillip
k dick and leaf through it

while richie keeps sorting and
silently making little stacks
of books between us on the
bed

RICHIE - CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

so next morning richie slaps
me on the leg and the impact
travels in a wave all the way
up my body and stops at my
head

where it wakes me with this
thudding horrible ache that is
instantly worse than anything
ive ever felt before

followed by an intense
feeling of blind panic -holy
shit holy shit did you take
the car back- i attempt to sit
up on the bed

which fails completely and
then i fall slowly back to the
pillow moaning richie laughs
-yeah yeah i took it back we
didnt get caught-

my suffering abates for a
moment -good- and then he
says –i left cuddy a note on
the steering wheel thanking
him for the loan though-

im reeling and i cant tell if
hes fucking with me or not
-oh god tell me yr kidding
me- and he says -naw i didnt
write that

-i wouldnt write something
like that- and again the pain
recedes for a second he goes
on -i wrote –ah pook is here-
on a post-it

-and left that on the steering
wheel- and i cant even get
pissed anymore -whatever
man- i just roll over

then he says -i didnt come
over to tell you that i came
over to tell you what i figured
out after last night

-about what you asked me in
the car- and i just moan
-jesus christ i dont care just
leave me alone- and put my
hands over my ears

his voice becomes oddly
thoughtful -you know when
you asked me that if we are
friends i actually had to think
about that-

i take my hands away from
my head and sigh -oh great i
cant wait to hear the rest-

-no really i mean theres
gotta be some reason i hang
out with yr beaver cleaver ass
right-

i dont say anything already
getting tired of being insulted
and hes just getting started

-what it is i think you
remind me of somebody that
i used to know that i really
liked- he stops for a minute

-or better yet i mean you
remind me of the kind of
person that person wouldve
really liked

-she was always saying i was
way too hard on everybody
except her and she wouldve
liked you a lot

-she wouldve been pissed at
me for being mean to you
and maybe she wouldve been
right so i guess we are friends-

im dizzy now -are you
talking about leander-

he shakes his head scowls
-no not at all-

//something goes off in my
brain through the fog//

-you mean jane jane tulle-
gannett-

his back straightens
involuntarily stops moving
tries to laugh it off -what-

-you do jane tulle-gannett
the dead woman we went to
see her grave-

he grimaces -you fucking
smackhead she was dead
before i was even born how
would that even be possible-

i kinda laugh -i dont know
but its her i dont know how
but it is her- i laugh again
-its her i remind you of or
someone shed like

-or whatever- richie gets up
shakes his head pats the bed
-okay hungover guy get
some rest apparently you
still got a lot to sleep off-

im amazed -i cant believe i
figured it out holy shit its
jane tulle-

and he cuts me off -just shut
up you dont know what the
fuck yr talking about just
shut up and go to sleep-

walks out of the room -dont
know why i even tried to be
nice to you fucking
smackhead-

but im right and i know im
right and i drift back off into
fuzzy half-sleep trying to
figure out how that could
possibly be

RICHIE - CHAPTER TWENTY (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

i am drunk and stoned and i
am riding shotgun in a stolen
car and i have never felt
better in my life

i kissed a girl tonight and i
danced with another one and
i can still smell them on me
even with the window down

and the heater on
the air rushing in on my face
and through my hair is making
my skin feel alive with the
glory of love

and i know tomorrow im
gonna feel weird and
regretful about a couple of
the things that happened but

this other thing is buggin me
and i know im loaded but i
wanna know so i go ahead
and ask him anyway

-richie- nothing -richie-
nothing –RICHIE-
-what what i thought you
were asleep- and i realize my
eyes are closed

i open them turn in the seat
–are you my friend- and he
laughs –what what the hell
are you talking about-

-you heard me are you my
friend- he smiles funny says
–dee dee why would you ask
me something like this-

-cuz i dont know why you
hang out with me you always
say nasty stuff about me and
put me down

-and you dont even call me
by my goddamned real name
its desmond DESMOND-

-dee dee i know what yr real
name is- sighs almost –i dont
wanna call you the same
thing yr parents call you

-do you think my real name is
richie- and i think about it
for a second but i am way too
buzzed and i say

-no man no thats not it man
its about respect- and richie
laughs and laughs then asks
me if im mack daddy or
daddy mack

and i tell him to eat me and
he says something even ruder
back but by the time im ready
to respond im halfway up the
stairs

and then im in my bed
somehow and i think to
myself maybe i should take
my wet sneakers off

and then suddenly it doesnt
matter anymore

OVERLOAD ON OVERLAND!

The poets have taken over Overland! Go to http://web.overland.org.au/ and check out the many Overload Festival happenings being created and overseen by the lovely and talented Maxine Clarke!

RICHIE - CHAPTER NINETEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

when i find leanders room
again the vibe is totally
different and theres a lot less
girls and the music seems
strange

and jackies talking to the
redhead with the big tits and
they are kind of giving me
the stink eye now

but richie and leander are
back and richies in this like
recliner totally smug grinning
at me

and i totally dont want to deal
with his bullshit so instead i
walk over to the window
where leanders smoking a
blunt

and blowing it outside and i
just sit down next to her and
go -i guess i kind of blew it
with jackie-

and shes holding in her hit
and goes -you boys watch
too much porn- and then she
blows it out and in her
normal voice goes

-you couldve totally got some
tonight too if you hadnt gone
about it so like clumsily-
and shakes her head

and i feel like an asshole but
she just goes -whatever- and
hands me a pbr -do you want
some of this- with the blunt

and i open the pbr and go
-sure- and i puff it real
careful so i dont get it spitty
or take too much and cough

so i blow my hit out and hand
it back and sip on my pbr she
blows on the cherry takes
another hit

and i ask her -what kind of
name is leander- just trying
to make conversation but it
comes out wrong

she doesnt seem to care
though -my name is actually
oleander like the flower-
and i ask -why do they call
you leander then-

-no one calls me that just
richie- and i go -thats
hilarious no one else calls
me dee dee either- and she
smiles her sleepy smile

-he told me he couldnt handle
the shock every time he said
my name- and i look at her
like not understanding at all

and she bolts upright eyes all
big in mock surprise -OH
leander- and i get it and
laugh and she laughs with me

and everything starts feeling
okay again and she hands the
blunt back to me and i take a
bigger hit and cough it out a
little

but its not a big deal and she
laughs again and i ask her
-how long have you and
richie been together-

she runs her hand through her
hair and goes -were not
really together really-
pauses a second -hes in love
with someone else-

and the weed is kicking in
now and i go -yeah hes in
love with himself- and she
looks at me for a second

then bursts into this huge
laugh and i look at richie and
hes totally confused and then
back at leander and she goes

-yr okay dee dee- and smiles
her smile and i go -yr okay
too leander- and she takes
the last hit and stubs it out

and the music changes again
and now its all piano and this
snaky guitar but its kind of
romantic too like slow and
sinuous

and leander sits up -dance
with me- and im all -i cant
dance- and she says -its
slow anyone can slow dance-
she nods at richie

-he wont do it- so i go
-okay- and we get up and she
puts my hands on her hips
and shows me how and it
seems really quiet

like everyone else stopped
talking but im really high so i
dont care and we dance and
the singer is doing these aah
aah ah ah ahhhs

and it feels great and i look
over at richie and hes smiling
but like surprised at the
same time but thats cool too

leander moves me in time to
it and theres more aah aah ah
ah ahhhs and we lock in
pretty much

she puts her head on my
shoulder and her hair smells
good but a different kind of
good slighter somehow
more subtle

and then the song ends and
richie is suddenly next to us
and goes -dee dee and lee lee
sittin in a tree tree-

and she lifts her head and he
kisses her hair then says to
me all serious

-we had better go-

RICHIE - CHAPTER EIGHTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

so im kind of shocked at how
many girls they fit into the
room in addition to how
many wanted to come down

its only me and richie and hes
cool and all but im just me
but theyre all being super
nice to me anyway

and were drinking vodka and
gatorade out of these plastic
martini glasses that leander
has and i feel like my parents

at a party in the 70s or
something but i kind of get it
like if a couple of girls from
boxer showed up

at fairview all the guys in the
dorm would definitely all
pack in and the music is
great all scratchy records

like hip hop samples and
some are pretty funky and
some are like cocktail party
jazz or something

which is probably why i
thought of my parents in the
70s im actually pretty
buzzed even though i only
had one drink

but i think maybe its partly
the lights and the music and
then this girl jackie refills my
drink and shes being

super nice to me and i like
her smile and her skirt and
her hair smells like
strawberries when she leans
in

to pour my drink and I go
–strawberry blonde- like to
myself but she hears and goes
–what- but i feel weird and i
go

-nothing- but even though i
feel super awkward she keeps
smiling and i smile back and
it seems like

all of the sudden im in a
place where i cant fuck it up
like i usually do and it feels
great

and i look around and then i
cant find richie or leander
and i guess they went
somewhere else

but the other girls are all still
talking and laughing and
leanders roommate with the
curly red hair and big tits
keeps changing the records

when the songs end and i
kind of want to go talk to her
but jackie keeps smiling and
talking to me

and even though her tits are
pretty small shes cute and she
smells great so i sit and drink
with her

and i realize with richie gone
im the only guy in the room
and thats crazy i feel like
hugh hefner but like much
much younger

and i finish my drink and i
wanna slow things down cuz
i dont wanna get sick cuz it
seems like

thats the only thing that could
mess all this up so i try to get
up and get one of those pbr
out of the fridge before jackie
pours me more

but when i try i get a
headrush and im like -whoa-
and sit back down and a
bunch of girls laugh and it
takes me back a second

but the laughs arent mean and
then i laugh too jackie gets
up laughing grabs my hand
says -lets get you some air-
and pulls me up

and she doesnt let go and it
feels great she leads me
through the room in slow
motion and they all look at us
and she doesnt let go

not embarrassed at all and i
feel like im in a movie
especially with the lights and
the music its awesome

and jackies laughing and we
go down the hall fluorescent
light like another weird world
outside of leanders room

and we go to her room and its
not the same at all but its still
cool and the low hum of the
music from down the hall is
still there underneath

and its soothing cuz im
totally nervous under the
drunk part but we sit down on
her bed and she goes -do you
feel better now- laughing

and im like -yeah- and she
just keeps looking at me
smiling and i lean in and kiss
her

and she kisses back and its
awesome shes a really good
kisser or at least better than
the other girls

ive kissed and we keep
kissing and i put my hand on
her knee and her skin is like
super soft and

she makes a tiny little sound
under the kissing and im
super into it so i reach my
hand

under her skirt to touch her
pussy and then she pulls back
and goes -wtf- and im
confused so i go –what- and
she gets up

shaking her head goes
-maybe we should go back-
and im still confused and im
like -what- and she just goes
out the door

so im alone in her room for a
second and its totally weird
so i get up still buzzed and go
on back down the hall

but i stop in the bathroom and
splash a whole bunch of
water on my face and look in
the mirror

and the cold water makes me
feel a little better but really
not better at all

RICHIE - CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

i swear to god that it took her
one whole minute to smile i
mean seriously from start to
finish 60 seconds

breaking across her face like
a new sunrise or something
but i found out over time she
does everything slowly

even stuff that you cant or
shouldnt she has long dirty
blonde hair little spray of
nose freckles sleepy eyes

red and blue flannel shirt
faded jeans rainbow toe sox
a real slim slow slider she
talks like she smiles but
–richie-

is all she says richie rocks
back on his heels hands in
front pockets -whats up
leander- smiles pauses like
waiting for something

and whatever it is she wont
give it -not much to what do
i owe it- seems like its been
awhile but she wont say so

-ah nothing really fairview
is boring as hell-

leander shrugs -boxer isnt
much better i hope that it
was worth the trip over-
knowing that it was would
have to be

-yeah well this is dee dee
leander i had to get him off
campus- and i ask her -did
we wake you up-

and richie winces and leander
turns to me with those sleepy
eyes says -no i just always
look like this-

and it takes forever but that
smile finally breaks across
her face and i know im ok
richie says –are we coming in
or what-

and leanders head rolls on her
shoulders and she falls
backwards into a cartwheel
so slow it seems like gravity
gives her a pass

and richie big boots thuds in
i step over the threshold and
its like a different world in
there all of a sudden girl
world

everything inside is somehow
more colorful better-lit
sweeter-smelling softer than
everything that exists outside

its only the size of a regular
double at fairview but for
some reason seems 10 times
bigger longer more space

there are like blue and
purple tapestries hung
everywhere and they replaced
all the regular fluorescents
with

colored aquarium lights and
the music is soft and it hangs
in the air like the incense
traces

not like cheap weed-
eradicator incense like youd
smell in our dorm but
somehow lighter and idk
more romantic

a cardboard cowboy stand-up
is right in the middle of the
room by the windows guns
drawn and by his feet theres

this little red record player
with the speakers stretched
out to either side of his wildly
bowed legs and at either end
of the room

miles apart are their beds and
each one is like mounded
with pillows and comforters
and i just wanna

crawl in there in the soft and
the warm and like never
leave

but then the little fridge shuts
with a clank and im back and
leander goes -well weve got
3 cans of pbr thats it

-my roommate knows some
girls down the hall whove got
some vodka- she shrugs puts
her hands in her pockets

richie nods - you better get
that vodka this kids pretty
uptight we gotta mellow him
out a touch-

and i turn to him embarrassed
and go -fuck you- way too
loud and he looks at leander
and says

-see what i mean- and
leander raises her eyebrows
then stretches and says
-well i got some weed-

richie says -good well need
it- and she smiles sleepily
slaps her denimed thighs and
goes -it-is-decided- and
moves to the door

but stops at richie and says
quieter -its good to see you i
didnt know if you were
gonna come around anymore-

and richies all -yeah well
im full of surprises- and she
nods -yeah- and slips out the
door

leaving it open about halfway
and richie squats by the
record player and starts
pawing through the 45s

and im like -whyd you have
to say that shit about me-
and he doesnt look up but
goes

-dee dee if i knew you were
gonna get this bunged up
over nothing i never wouldve
brought you-

and this shuts me up so i just
kind of look around for a
minute then im like -is she
gonna get in trouble

-for having us here- and
richie says all irritated -did
she look worried-

but then he looks up from the
records -boxer is just like
fairview dee dee as long as
the money flows everybodys
happy

-as long as nobody falls out
the window and gets on the
news its just a party- he
smiles then for a second

-its just a party dee dee-

GREAT ARTICLE ON "RICHIE" (TWITTER NOVEL) AT OVERLAND!

Hey! Maxine Clarke (of "slam up" fame) wrote a great article about "Richie" and the whole twitter novel thing - check it out at http://web.overland.org.au/?p=1506. And if you aren't familiar with the word/sound power of Ms. Clarke, familiarize yrself at http://slamup.blogspot.com/. All right!

RICHIE - CHAPTER SIXTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

of course when we started
talking about stealing a car i
didnt realize that richie would
want to steal dean cuddys
bmw

i mean i knew that it would
end up being some staffs
vehicle cuz richie already
made clear that the physical
plant trucks were

too unreliable in the snow to
mess with again but i guess
its the fact that its cuddys car
and its so much higher end
than that shitty truck

we took last time thats got me
all nervous and stuff richie
tells me thats all mental and
to stop psyching myself out
but its pretty hard

so anyway friday night about
10:30 we start walking down
the road leading off campus
and the snow isnt bad

theres very little actually
falling its just packed down
hard in the road and the
plows have thrown

these huge banks up onto the
roadsides so unfortunately
theres no underbrush or
anything to hide in so

if a staff car is coming or
going while were walking the
road were pretty much fucked
so we start out trying to be
quiet

but the packed snow crunches
underfoot and sound really
carries in the thin cold air so
all we can really do is avoid
talking

and just basically spend the
walk watching our breath in
the moonlight and soon
enough the faculty village
comes into sight

i knew that they housed the
administration just off-
campus everyone did it
wasnt a secret it was one of
the perks of the job i guess

it was really only crisis staff
and dorm workers who had to
be local enough to commute
in every day richie said this
was part of the

krol methodology as well but
i dont care really i just want
richie to be able to find dean
cuddys house and if im being
honest

i want him to not be able to
start the bmw so we could
just go back to the dorm
where its warm and safe

richie quietly ticks off the
houses as we pass them
-isaacs- -manley- with a
grunt -nulles- and we duck
past streetlights and over

one block and richies like
-thats it- in front of this
boxy looking house that
basically looks like all the
others

and i cant figure out how
richie could tell them apart in
the dark until i see the silver
bmw sitting in the driveway

and im like -why in the
driveway- in a whisper and
he goes -his wifes in town-
and points to the closed
garage and then

points to his brain with an
exaggerated wink and i
almost laugh but stop myself
just in time and he goes

-watch for cars if you see
one run behind the house ill
hear you- and leaves me in
the street and creeps up to the
house

looks once in the window
then goes to the car and pulls
out the slim jim and goes to
work on the door

it only takes a couple of
minutes and it seems really
loud to me but then hes in
and hes holding the door real
gentle-like

and he squats down by the
edge of it with his hand on
the handle and he starts
opening it super-slow and

counting to himself and when
its open just enough he
reaches his arm through up to
his shoulder and does
something inside i cant see
what

then the alarm starts and i
nearly shit my pants but its
just a strangled little queef of
a sound before richie
squelches it

and he just squats there at the
base of the door totally still
watching the window to see
if anyone looks out and after
a minute passes

he stands up and goes -psst-
and motions me over and i
shuffle over to him and
whisper –wtf- he answers
-im gonna show you how

-to do this in case you ever
need to- and im like
-whatever just hurry- and he
reaches in and releases the
parking brake

-help me push this into the
street so they dont hear us
start it- so i go up to the
hood while he pushes on the
door column

and we get it out of the
driveway and he jumps in
hits the brakes and waves me
over and hes got this like
crowbar thing

and he rips out the panel right
below the steering wheel and
asks me -did you get to
stendhal in english yet- and i
go

-english what what are you-
and he yanks two wires out
-the red and the black dee
dee the red and the black- he
touches the bare ends

together and the thing comes
to life -never forget stendhal
dee dee now get in- i run
over to the passenger side
and open it

and richie is hunched under
the steering wheel twisting
the wires together -goddamn
it- he whips up shaking his
hand painfully then

throws the bmw into gear
-lets get the fuck out of here-
and he eases us around and
out of the faculty village then
floors it

and it really is something else
entirely idk if its cuz its
night or the bmw is so much
nicer or cuz its cuddys but

its much more exciting this
time and richie throws it into
fifth and exhales slowly -this
is a superior piece of
machinery- and grins at me

-look what kind of music he
has- and im like -shit i
shouldve brought my ipod-
cuz theres a dock but richie
just goes

-next time- and i laugh -as
if- and richie shrugs so i go
through cuddys visor sleeve
and its all like soundtracks
and old blues

and new age garbage and i go
-theres nothing here but shit-
and richie goes -whatever-
totally jaunty and i ask him
-so where are we going

-this time- and he smiles
-were going to boxer you
know our sister school- and
i go -boxer thats like almost
an hour away-

and hes all -not in this thing
ill be there in 45 minutes-
and im like -thats gonna take
way too long

-were gonna get busted- and
he waves me off -stop
worrying dee dee- and i ask
-whats so great at boxer- and
he looks at me

like im an idiot -girls- and i
go -oh- and he says -i know
this girl leander who goes
there

-shes pretty cool- and im
getting really uptight -you
know cuddy or mrs cuddy
could look out that window at
any time and we are fucked-

richie starts getting pissed
-dont be such a pussy dee
dee if you didnt want to
come you shouldve thought
of that a long time ago-

and i go -i didnt know we
were gonna be gone for like
4 hours- and richie starts
shouting -i didnt go through
all that back there

-just to drive around the
fucking block now we just
stole a car theres nothing you
can do but just sit back and
enjoy the ride jesus-

i sit back and shake my head
-this is gonna take way too
long theyre gonna have the
cops after us- and richie
blows up again

-why do you always have to
be such a mincing little
queer- and i shout -fuck you
asshole you sound like
frejean- and he

grimaces and doesnt say
anything for a minute then he
punches the steering wheel
-fuck- runs his hand through
his hair and goes

-look just dont say anything
else until we get there okay-
and im like -fine whatever-
and we ride the rest of the
way there in silence

KEITAI SHOUSETSU TRANSLATION!

Hey! This young lady Jia Hui is translating the keitai shousetsu Koizora over here at http://jiahuishousetsutranslation.blogspot.com/ - check it out. Koizora isn't high art or anything, but you'll be able to see pretty quick why I fell in love with the format. Also, it corrected my spelling of shousetsu, which I believe is the most accurate or at least the spelling most often used by folks in the know.

RICHIE - CHAPTER FIFTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

getting back to fairview is
weird its not like i had some
super-great time at my
parents or anything like that

but its like i miss it at home
already even though im kind
of glad to be back at fairview
in this way that i completely
cannot explain

but mostly im just pretty
bummed out that greg was
the only guy i really hung out with
the whole time i was there

i mean no one else even
called me back at all or
whatever and that pretty
much sucked so when

i go back up into the dorm
richies back and i hang out
with him for awhile and thats
pretty cool cuz hes not being
a dick

and we talk about how weird
home was and how no one
would hang out with me cuz
of the gun thing and it comes
to my mind

that richie totally did not give
a shit about the gun thing at
all which was awesome and
even though hes a creep in
other ways

i guess i am too or whatever
so hes talking about his time
at home and how he didnt
hang out with anybody either
and it was lonely

and strange and he doesnt
talk about his parents at all
except to say that they hardly
exist anymore which is fine
with him

and i think about how my
folks really arent there at all
either but im still not totally
cool with that but then again

im not sure what i do want
cuz if they were in my shit all
the time id probably freak out
anyway

the most surprising thing is
that richie goes -this may
sound weird but i think that
maybe we should

-like try to make more
friends- and thats kind of
what i was feeling too but i
totally didnt expect that from
richie and i tell him

and he goes all sheepish like
he got caught doing
something -yeah i know but
its like you know i totally

-get sick of just hanging out
with you all the time- and im
like –thanks- and he goes –no
no i know you get sick of me
too-

and i say -yeah totally
especially when you say shit
like that- he scoffs -its not
about that its more like just
idk

-trying harder everybody
here cant be a total
smackhead you know- and
im like

–what happened to you over
break that made you come
back all like mary poppins-

he sighs -idk i just thought
maybe that theres a way to be
like healthier you know-
shrugs -idk- so i go

-okay lets try to be like
more social justin can be
pretty cool- and richies like
-the kid with the hair- and he
makes this big

swooping motion over his
face and im like -yeah- and
he goes -well i mean yeah
we gotta try right itll be like
an experiment-

so we go through school and
stuff the next couple of days
and i can see that richies
trying really hard

not to be as much of an
asshole like in class he
doesnt call guys out on
being dumbasses as much

and in the dorm he starts
hanging out in the common
room more even though he
just reads and doesnt say
anything

so the one night the 40s are
out and guys are taking hits
off the bong and theres this
time travel movie on the
flatscreen and

guys start talking about time
travel and richie puts his
book down for like the first
time ever and listens

and im drinking with justin
on one of the couches and
frejean blurts out totally
baked -time travel would be
awesome-

big bald tyshawn goes
–hells yes go back to the 60s
do nothing but smoke weed
trip balls and get my dick
sucked-

frejean responds -id go back
to gladiator times thats my
favorite shit get me a big-ass
sword some slave bitches
some wine

-pretty sweet son- then
richie suddenly cuts in -you
cant go back in time- and all
of them look over at him
kind of shocked

that he even talked frejean
scoffs -no shit sherlock but
fuckin what if you know
fuckin what if- richie throws
his arm over

the back of the chair hes in
and goes -no no i mean you
can absolutely travel in time
no doubt you just cant go
back

-you can only travel forward
in time- blank stoned looks
in return richie hikes himself
up in the chair -time is a
river right it just keeps
flowing along

-but as soon as you notice a
moment its past you it
flowed by you the past isnt
behind us its way out in front
of us far far away-

tyshawn takes a sip off his 40
-so if you cant go back in
time how do you travel
forward-

richie smiles -well you
know were actually
travelling forward in time
right now and now and-
points -now-

frejean scowls -aw fuck you
man thats all you got- richie
shakes his head -naw im just
being a dick- and im kind of
amazed by that

-to travel forward in time all
you ultimately have to do is
somehow get out of the river
of time out of the flow of
time

-and just wait for time to pass
by you and then like jump
back in- he shrugs -you just
have to find a way out of the
flow which is a bitch-

this kid tyler all glassy-eyed
murmurs -yr kind of
blowing my mind right now-
frejean actually seems
interested

- so what could take
somebody out of the time
stream- and richie goes
-well death- frejean scowls
again

-no doubt fuckhead- and
richie leans in hard -no listen
what if death takes you out
but you find a way to stay
aware after death

-what if you stay you and
you come back in the future
just in a different body with a
different name- richie shakes
his head in amazement

-wouldnt that be like
travelling in time- tyshawn
turns and points at richie
accusingly -i got

-no idea what yr talking
about right now dude none-
and richie just gets up shrugs
at me with his hands open
and leaves

tyshawn and frejean go back
to talking about fucking past-
bitches and i help justin
finish the 40 and head back to
my room

so pretty much the next day
me and richie get together
and make an informed
decision that our experiment

was a miserable failure and
that we should steal another
car as soon as humanly
possible

RICHIE - CHAPTER FOURTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shosetsu)

the next day i start calling
everyone in my phone to see
whos around and who can
hang out

but nobody answers and idk
if theyre not off yet or busy
or whatever but after awhile

i go through my old stuff and
root out their like land lines
and call a few people that
way but

mostly i get their parents of
course cuz theyre the only
ones who still use land lines
basically

and the ones who answer are
pretty weird to me for the
most part which i can pretty
much understand

cuz probably the last they
heard of me was before i
went to fairview and the
whole gun thing but

i leave messages with them
for charlie and chris and dan
but i dont get anything back
and im starting

to get kind of bummed out
but i call gregs house and the
old answering machine picks
up and i try leaving this

really like fake-cheery
message and greg picks up
halfway through and im
super-psyched but his voice
is quiet

and weird like hes trying not
to be heard or something and
he just tells me to meet him
at the kwik fill later on which
is cool

so i go out and walk over and
hes hanging outside and its
awesome to see him and we
go in and buy red bulls

greg tries to buy smokes but
they card him which is
bizarre to me cuz im used to
fairview by now and like

drinking 40s and smoking
weed as if it wasnt anything
at all and greg asks me what
its like there and i tell him
that stuff

and he kind of cant believe
how awesome that sounds
and it makes me feel really
cool until

i think about what was all
going through my head the
other night about the lines
and the screens

but i dont tell greg any of that
stuff just how i broke into the
locked door with my id and
he thinks thats super-cool

and i feel pretty badass so i
tell him about richie and
stealing the truck which also
totally impresses him

but he thinks richie sounds
like a total dick which i guess
i can understand from the
way i described him

so i try to like explain why
hes cool to hang out with
sometimes but i dont think
greg totally buys it

and he talks a little about how
it seems like since i went to
fairview im actually getting
wasted a lot more and

doing like more illegal shit
rather than less but i say that
although it seems like that

the good part is that i totally
dont feel like bringing a gun
to school anymore and his
face gets weird

and we talk about that for a
little while and greg explains
that he didnt want his folks to
know we were

gonna hang out cuz they were
pretty freaked out by the gun
thing and a lot of the other
parents were too

especially after salinas and
stuff and thats probably why
the other guys werent calling
back or whatever

not cuz they didnt wanna
hang but cuz of their folks
and whatnot and im like i
guess i can understand

but its still me im still the
same dee dee and greg goes
-dee dee- all quizzical and i
forgot for a second but i

dont want to go into the
whole richie thing again so i
just go –forget it- and he
looks at me weird again

but drops it anyway and i just
ask him what hes been doing
and we start talking about
girls for awhile

and gregs dating this girl
nicole who i always thought
had great tits and hes like
yeah

but theyre actually kind of
floppy and almost too big and
i go totally serious -no such
thing- and he laughs

and it almost feels like before
for awhile and we keep
walking and he talks about
these world war 2 games

hes really into and anime and
shit and its okay but then i
notice where we are cuz
weve been walking

and i realize were at my old
school his school and i look
at it and greg kind of fades
out and i zone into this weird
thing

that i totally would never
think of normally but there
was this retarded girl there i
never knew her name

she was total special ed short
bus and the other guys used
to make fun of me cuz every
time shed see me in the
hallway

shed giggle and hide her face
and go –desmond- in this
weird high pitched retardy
voice and theyd all

imitate her and talk about
how she was my girlfriend
and id get super-pissed and
tell them all to fuck off

but i never did it like loud or
anything cuz she was just a
retard and i didnt want to
make her feel bad

you know i figured it was
hard enough to be retarded
and to have people making
fun of you all the time

and i realize as we walk by
the school that i was never
going back there

thered be no way theyd ever
let me go back there and i
would never see that retarded
girl again and i dont know
why

but it makes me like super-
sad to think of it and thats
just stupid shes just a retard
why would i care

but i do and it makes me
angry and sad at the same
time and i keep trying to
focus back on greg

and the shit that hes talking
about but i just cant get my
head around the fact

that some weird part of me
actually misses that retarded
girl and im angry and sad that
i dont know her name

RICHIE - CHAPTER THIRTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shosetsu)

everybody gets sent home
over christmas if they have
homes to go to and it feels
really great and exciting at
first

all of us riding together in the
fairview van even though
richie got put on a train out of
town so im with frejean and
justin

and some of the other guys
but everyones being cool cuz
theyre all basically happy to
go home so its pretty rowdy
and fun

and its snowing lightly and
its making me feel
christmassy inside even
though thats totally pussy but
i actually end up being the
first

to be dropped off and we pull
up and i can see a tree with
lights through the front
window and with snow
everywhere my house seems

totally weird to me like a
place i lived once in a dream
or something and my mom
comes out to the van and
signs the clipboard

and gives me a huge hug and
i walk with her to the front
door then the van drives off
and she asks how things are

and i tell her that things are
going good and she says
–good- and then we walk
inside and its really warm
like too warm

and my mom calls out to my
dad that im home and hes in
the other room watching tv
and he calls out –good-

and my mom takes me to the
kitchen and we sit at the
breakfast bar and eat my
favorite pizza from molinas
and she drinks a glass

of wine and i have pepsi and
she doesnt talk much but she
smiles at me a lot and i smile
back and when im done

she takes me up to my old
bedroom and she opens the
door and all the lights are on
and its cleaner than its ever
been

and theres other stuff thats
different too but my mom
looks at me funny and asks
–good- and i nod and she tells
me goodnight

and dont stay up too late
and i go in and look at my dvds
and all the horror movies are
gone and basketball diaries
and

ichi the killer and some other
stuff thats not even violent
she left full metal jacket
which is weird but whatever
and then

i look at my cds and theres a
lot gone there too all the rap
stuff marilyn manson spider
babies even kill taker

which i guess she took
because of the name cuz
theyre like totally positive
and straight edge but whats
weird is that i didnt notice

right away that my laptops
gone and i kind of freak out
quietly for awhile but then i
figure out theyre probably
just gonna

monitor me on their pc
downstairs so i go down to
see if i can get on and i guess
my mom went to bed

and i look in the living room
and my dads asleep in front
of espn and i walk up to him
and look down at his face

his eyes are closed and his
mouth is open and i think
about turning off the tv but
hes got a death grip on the
remote

anyway im afraid hed wake
up if i turn it off so i look at
the tv and back at him for a
little while

then i go back up to my old
bedroom and read this
choose-your-own-adventure
that i liked when i was 8 until
i fall asleep

RICHIE - CHAPTER TWELVE (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shosetsu)

the next morning it snows for
the first time this year and its
weird cuz

everyones obviously kind of
excited but acting like they
dont care about something as
gay as the first snowfall

but it definitely brings up all
those little kid feelings of like
snowmen and days off and
christmas morning

and everyones rushing to get
outside much more than
usual and i run into richie
and im like -hey its
snowing-

and hes all blasé-blasé like
-hm oh really- and then i go
-i was looking for you last
night where were you-

and he gives me this weird
face -i was in my room what
do you mean- and i tell him
-i came down cuz

-i wanted to talk to you about
something- and he laughs in
a strange way -well idk what
to tell you dee dee

-i was in my room all night-
and i go -well when i came
down- and he blows up
-jesus what am i yr boyfriend

-maybe i was taking a shit
what the hell- and i go
-whatever man dont have a
fucking conniption- and he
scoffs

-dont worry about me dee
dee- i stare at the floor -i
wont- then he sighs -so what
was this

-huge important thing you
just had to tell me about last
night- and im like -nothing
dont worry about it-

richie changes tacks on me
-aw cmon dee dee dont be
that way tell me all about it-
and frejean passes us in the
hall

-whats the matter faggots
outta lube- and laughs to
himself richie waves him off
without even looking -fly
away shitbird-

frejean makes cocksucking
sounds and richie just gives
him the finger -cmon dee dee
im listening- and im like
-forget it

-lets just go to school- and
richie shrugs and we leave
the dorm and start walking
over and a bunch of guys

are already out there having a
snowball fight and theyre
whooping and shouting and
running

and honestly it looks super
fun and i stop and look for a
minute and then richies all
-dee dee are you coming-

and for a second i almost say
-no im gonna get in on this-
but i look over at him and hes
all impatient

i look back again and i shrug
and just follow him over to
the school and we pass the
wall by the cafeteria where
the graffiti was

and nulles and cuddy are out
there watching the physical
plant guys finish the
sandblasting before the snow
gets too bad

and we walk by and richie
gives them a jaunty wave and
nulles just stares at us with
his weird mouth all tight but

cuddys got that same little
smile and strange excited
look about the eyes that he
got with richie when the
graffiti first went up

and they just stand there and
watch us until we go in the
school again just like last
time the lines of our

lives running back and forth
over each other crossing and
recrossing again and again
and again and again

RICHIE - CHAPTER ELEVEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shosetsu)

so of course i have to look up
krol anyway and theres
nothing in the fairview
library of course but i

go online and i figure if i
look hard enough i can find
something real on krol
because if i look hard enough

i can find women fucking
barnyard animals for
chrissakes but the weird thing
is that its pretty much just
like what richie said

every entry on him in the
webstapedia and other sites
starts off with –discredited
social scientist stanislav krol-
or –disgraced

-social scientist stanislav
krol- like they all kind of
copied off each other or
something and they talk some
about his studies of cult
behavior

but mostly its about his work
with patients taking
psilocybin mushrooms in
controlled conditions and
they make him sound like

some sort of crazy hippie
burnout or something but
they dont talk at all about soft
controls or what it means so
then something

interesting happens cuz i go
looking up soft controls and
its all like really positive
and talking about marketing
and advertising and

social media business
applications and a lot of other
terms that mean like
absolutely nothing to me but
they dont mention krol at all

or fairview or any of the
schools like it so i wonder
about the connection that
richies making like if theres
no one else making it

is it real but then i look up
nlp finally after my earlier
aborted stoned attempt and
again its all this positive stuff
about

social media marketing
strategies and i thought nlp
was kind of sinister the way
that richie described and the
way that crisis staff

use it to like totally
manipulate you in this really
weird way so you dont know
that theyre doing it and then
suddenly it was like

there was the story that the
words on the screen were
telling but then there was
like this other story that was
being told

between the words if that
makes any sense like the
parts that theyre leaving out
and the things that i saw and
felt were combining in this
weird way

that i never really
experienced before and i
started having this experience
like i was high but i wasnt
high like i could totally

still control where my mind
went even though i felt really
like elated and stuff and im
rising up out of my body
almost

and im looking down at me at
the computer in my room and
then i rise higher

and im above the dorm but i
can still see me inside and
then these like lines start
appearing where i go

to the school then back to the
dorm then back to the school
and its like the same closed
path

every single day and the lines
just go back and forth over
each other again and again
and again

so that it seems like my
whole life is just one thick
line between two or three
points really

but then i rise higher and then
theres like this big spike out
where richie and me stole the
truck

we drove to white rock
and drove around and came
back and i realize that

that line out is the only real
deviation from this ridiculous
back and forth straight line
life

that i lead that we lead at
fairview just school to dorm
to school to dorm and then
when we get there its all
screens

like my computer screen and
the 52 inch flatscreen and my
ipod screen and the smart
boards they use at school

and then it gets a little scary
for awhile because that seems
really unreal to me and kind
of fucked up so then im back
in my body

at the computer screen and i
get up and turn it off cuz
honestly im a little grossed
out and i go down the hall

to talk to richie about it but
hes not there the room is
empty and im pissed cuz im
having

what i think is an epiphany
like isaacs is always on about
with those jack london short
stories

he makes us read but anyway
hes not there and i go down
the hall to the common room
and

theyre playing pimptastic 2
and smoking bud but i am so
not into that at this minute
and justins in there

and i consider talking to him
about it cuz he can be cool
sometimes but hes totally
slack jawed from the weed
and just

staring at that huge 52 inch
screen and that kinda freaks
me out too so i just end up
finding my way

up to the roof through that
one door that richie showed
me and i end up out there
alone

staring up at the stars and the
satellites for awhile and just
kind of thinking it all through
but

the funny part is when i
eventually get too cold to
deal anymore and i go to
come back in the door is
locked

behind me and i am
completely screwed cuz if i
bang to get someone to let me
in and one of the guys comes
up

theyre gonna know about it
then and wanna come up here
all the time and thatll suck
wildly

and if its crisis staff thatll
suck even worse cuz then
theyll lock the door from the
inside and either way

richie will be super-pissed at
me so i just calm myself and i
get an idea and take my
laminated fairview id

and try and slip it between
the door and the frame and
jimmy the lock and it takes
about half an hour

but i finally do it and i almost
shout when it clicks open and
im super-psyched and i feel
like macgyver

but by the time i get back
down to my room the
adrenaline starts wearing off
and its really warm

so i basically just lay down to
crash and i crash hard