Friday, August 28, 2009

RICHIE - CHAPTER NINETEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

when i find leanders room
again the vibe is totally
different and theres a lot less
girls and the music seems

and jackies talking to the

redhead with the big tits and
they are kind of giving me
the stink eye now

but richie and leander are

back and richies in this like
recliner totally smug grinning
at me

and i totally dont want to deal

with his bullshit so instead i
walk over to the window
where leanders smoking a

and blowing it outside and i

just sit down next to her and
go -i guess i kind of blew it
with jackie-

and shes holding in her hit

and goes -you boys watch
too much porn- and then she
blows it out and in her
normal voice goes

-you couldve totally got some

tonight too if you hadnt gone
about it so like clumsily-
and shakes her head

and i feel like an asshole but

she just goes -whatever- and
hands me a pbr -do you want
some of this- with the blunt

and i open the pbr and go
-sure- and i puff it real

careful so i dont get it spitty
or take too much and cough

so i blow my hit out and hand

it back and sip on my pbr she
blows on the cherry takes
another hit

and i ask her -what kind of

name is leander- just trying
to make conversation but it
comes out wrong

she doesnt seem to care

though -my name is actually
oleander like the flower-
and i ask -why do they call
you leander then-

-no one calls me that just

richie- and i go -thats
hilarious no one else calls
me dee dee either- and she
smiles her sleepy smile

-he told me he couldnt handle

the shock every time he said
my name- and i look at her
like not understanding at all

and she bolts upright eyes all

big in mock surprise -OH
leander- and i get it and
laugh and she laughs with me

and everything starts feeling

okay again and she hands the
blunt back to me and i take a
bigger hit and cough it out a

but its not a big deal and she

laughs again and i ask her
-how long have you and

richie been together-

she runs her hand through her
hair and goes -were not
really together really-
pauses a second -hes in love
with someone else-

and the weed is kicking in
now and i go -yeah hes in
love with himself- and she
looks at me for a second

then bursts into this huge
laugh and i look at richie and
hes totally confused and then
back at leander and she goes

-yr okay dee dee- and smiles
her smile and i go -yr okay
too leander- and she takes
the last hit and stubs it out

and the music changes again
and now its all piano and this
snaky guitar but its kind of
romantic too like slow and

and leander sits up -dance
with me- and im all -i cant
dance- and she says -its
slow anyone can slow dance-
she nods at richie

-he wont do it- so i go
-okay- and we get up and she
puts my hands on her hips
and shows me how and it
seems really quiet

like everyone else stopped
talking but im really high so i
dont care and we dance and
the singer is doing these aah
aah ah ah ahhhs

and it feels great and i look
over at richie and hes smiling
but like surprised at the
same time but thats cool too

leander moves me in time to
it and theres more aah aah ah
ah ahhhs and we lock in
pretty much

she puts her head on my
shoulder and her hair smells
good but a different kind of
good slighter somehow
more subtle

and then the song ends and
richie is suddenly next to us
and goes -dee dee and lee lee
sittin in a tree tree-

and she lifts her head and he
kisses her hair then says to
me all serious

-we had better go-

Friday, August 21, 2009

RICHIE - CHAPTER EIGHTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

so im kind of shocked at how
many girls they fit into the
room in addition to how
many wanted to come down

its only me and richie and hes

cool and all but im just me
but theyre all being super
nice to me anyway

and were drinking vodka and

gatorade out of these plastic
martini glasses that leander
has and i feel like my parents

at a party in the 70s or

something but i kind of get it
like if a couple of girls from
boxer showed up

at fairview all the guys in the

dorm would definitely all
pack in and the music is
great all scratchy records

like hip hop samples and

some are pretty funky and
some are like cocktail party
jazz or something

which is probably why i

thought of my parents in the
70s im actually pretty
buzzed even though i only
had one drink

but i think maybe its partly

the lights and the music and
then this girl jackie refills my
drink and shes being

super nice to me and i like

her smile and her skirt and
her hair smells like
strawberries when she leans

to pour my drink and I go
–strawberry blonde- like to

myself but she hears and goes
–what- but i feel weird and i

-nothing- but even though i

feel super awkward she keeps
smiling and i smile back and
it seems like

all of the sudden im in a

place where i cant fuck it up
like i usually do and it feels

and i look around and then i

cant find richie or leander
and i guess they went
somewhere else

but the other girls are all still

talking and laughing and
leanders roommate with the
curly red hair and big tits
keeps changing the records

when the songs end and i

kind of want to go talk to her
but jackie keeps smiling and
talking to me

and even though her tits are

pretty small shes cute and she
smells great so i sit and drink
with her

and i realize with richie gone

im the only guy in the room
and thats crazy i feel like
hugh hefner but like much
much younger

and i finish my drink and i

wanna slow things down cuz
i dont wanna get sick cuz it
seems like

thats the only thing that could

mess all this up so i try to get
up and get one of those pbr
out of the fridge before jackie
pours me more

but when i try i get a

headrush and im like -whoa-
and sit back down and a
bunch of girls laugh and it
takes me back a second

but the laughs arent mean and

then i laugh too jackie gets
up laughing grabs my hand
says -lets get you some air-
and pulls me up

and she doesnt let go and it

feels great she leads me
through the room in slow
motion and they all look at us
and she doesnt let go

not embarrassed at all and i

feel like im in a movie
especially with the lights and
the music its awesome

and jackies laughing and we

go down the hall fluorescent
light like another weird world
outside of leanders room

and we go to her room and its

not the same at all but its still
cool and the low hum of the
music from down the hall is
still there underneath

and its soothing cuz im

totally nervous under the
drunk part but we sit down on
her bed and she goes -do you
feel better now- laughing

and im like -yeah- and she

just keeps looking at me
smiling and i lean in and kiss

and she kisses back and its

awesome shes a really good
kisser or at least better than
the other girls

ive kissed and we keep

kissing and i put my hand on
her knee and her skin is like
super soft and

she makes a tiny little sound

under the kissing and im
super into it so i reach my

under her skirt to touch her

pussy and then she pulls back
and goes -wtf- and im
confused so i go –what- and
she gets up

shaking her head goes
-maybe we should go back-

and im still confused and im
like -what- and she just goes
out the door

so im alone in her room for a

second and its totally weird
so i get up still buzzed and go
on back down the hall

but i stop in the bathroom and

splash a whole bunch of
water on my face and look in
the mirror

and the cold water makes me

feel a little better but really
not better at all

Friday, August 14, 2009

RICHIE - CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

i swear to god that it took her
one whole minute to smile i
mean seriously from start to
finish 60 seconds

breaking across her face like

a new sunrise or something
but i found out over time she
does everything slowly

even stuff that you cant or

shouldnt she has long dirty
blonde hair little spray of
nose freckles sleepy eyes

red and blue flannel shirt

faded jeans rainbow toe sox
a real slim slow slider she
talks like she smiles but

is all she says richie rocks

back on his heels hands in
front pockets -whats up
leander- smiles pauses like
waiting for something

and whatever it is she wont

give it -not much to what do
i owe it- seems like its been
awhile but she wont say so

-ah nothing really fairview

is boring as hell-

leander shrugs -boxer isnt

much better i hope that it
was worth the trip over-
knowing that it was would
have to be

-yeah well this is dee dee

leander i had to get him off
campus- and i ask her -did
we wake you up-

and richie winces and leander

turns to me with those sleepy
eyes says -no i just always
look like this-

and it takes forever but that

smile finally breaks across
her face and i know im ok
richie says –are we coming in
or what-

and leanders head rolls on her

shoulders and she falls
backwards into a cartwheel
so slow it seems like gravity
gives her a pass

and richie big boots thuds in

i step over the threshold and
its like a different world in
there all of a sudden girl

everything inside is somehow

more colorful better-lit
sweeter-smelling softer than
everything that exists outside

its only the size of a regular

double at fairview but for
some reason seems 10 times
bigger longer more space

there are like blue and

purple tapestries hung
everywhere and they replaced
all the regular fluorescents

colored aquarium lights
the music is soft and it hangs
in the air like the incense

not like cheap weed-

eradicator incense like youd
smell in our dorm but
somehow lighter and idk
more romantic

a cardboard cowboy stand-up

is right in the middle of the
room by the windows guns
drawn and by his feet theres

this little red record player

with the speakers stretched
out to either side of his wildly
bowed legs and at either end
of the room

miles apart are their beds and

each one is like mounded
with pillows and comforters
and i just wanna

crawl in there in the soft and

the warm and like never

but then the little fridge shuts

with a clank and im back and
leander goes -well weve got
3 cans of pbr thats it

-my roommate knows some

girls down the hall whove got
some vodka- she shrugs puts
her hands in her pockets

richie nods - you better get

that vodka this kids pretty
uptight we gotta mellow him
out a touch-

and i turn to him embarrassed

and go -fuck you- way too
loud and he looks at leander
and says

-see what i mean- and

leander raises her eyebrows
then stretches and says
-well i got some weed-

richie says -good well need

it- and she smiles sleepily
slaps her denimed thighs and
goes -it-is-decided- and
moves to the door

but stops at richie and says

quieter -its good to see you i
didnt know if you were
gonna come around anymore-

and richies all -yeah well

im full of surprises- and she
nods -yeah- and slips out the

leaving it open about halfway

and richie squats by the
record player and starts
pawing through the 45s

and im like -whyd you have

to say that shit about me-
and he doesnt look up but

-dee dee if i knew you were

gonna get this bunged up
over nothing i never wouldve
brought you-

and this shuts me up so i just

kind of look around for a
minute then im like -is she
gonna get in trouble

-for having us here- and

richie says all irritated -did
she look worried-

but then he looks up from the

records -boxer is just like
fairview dee dee as long as
the money flows everybodys

-as long as nobody falls out

the window and gets on the
news its just a party- he
smiles then for a second

-its just a party dee dee-

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Hey! Maxine Clarke (of "slam up" fame) wrote a great article about "Richie" and the whole twitter novel thing - check it out at And if you aren't familiar with the word/sound power of Ms. Clarke, familiarize yrself at All right!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

RICHIE - CHAPTER SIXTEEN (Twitter Novel / Keitai Shousetsu)

of course when we started
talking about stealing a car i
didnt realize that richie would
want to steal dean cuddys

i mean i knew that it would

end up being some staffs
vehicle cuz richie already
made clear that the physical
plant trucks were

too unreliable in the snow to

mess with again but i guess
its the fact that its cuddys car
and its so much higher end
than that shitty truck

we took last time thats got me

all nervous and stuff richie
tells me thats all mental and
to stop psyching myself out
but its pretty hard

so anyway friday night about

10:30 we start walking down
the road leading off campus
and the snow isnt bad

theres very little actually

falling its just packed down
hard in the road and the
plows have thrown

these huge banks up onto the

roadsides so unfortunately
theres no underbrush or
anything to hide in so

if a staff car is coming or

going while were walking the
road were pretty much fucked
so we start out trying to be

but the packed snow crunches

underfoot and sound really
carries in the thin cold air so
all we can really do is avoid

and just basically spend the

walk watching our breath in
the moonlight and soon
enough the faculty village
comes into sight

i knew that they housed the

administration just off-
campus everyone did it
wasnt a secret it was one of
the perks of the job i guess

it was really only crisis staff

and dorm workers who had to
be local enough to commute
in every day richie said this
was part of the

krol methodology as well but

i dont care really i just want
richie to be able to find dean
cuddys house and if im being

i want him to not be able to

start the bmw so we could
just go back to the dorm
where its warm and safe

richie quietly ticks off the

houses as we pass them
-isaacs- -manley- with a

grunt -nulles- and we duck
past streetlights and over

one block and richies like
-thats it- in front of this
boxy looking house that

basically looks like all the

and i cant figure out how

richie could tell them apart in
the dark until i see the silver
bmw sitting in the driveway

and im like -why in the

driveway- in a whisper and
he goes -his wifes in town-
and points to the closed
garage and then

points to his brain with an

exaggerated wink and i
almost laugh but stop myself
just in time and he goes

-watch for cars if you see

one run behind the house ill
hear you- and leaves me in
the street and creeps up to the

looks once in the window

then goes to the car and pulls
out the slim jim and goes to
work on the door

it only takes a couple of

minutes and it seems really
loud to me but then hes in
and hes holding the door real

and he squats down by the

edge of it with his hand on
the handle and he starts
opening it super-slow and

counting to himself and when

its open just enough he
reaches his arm through up to
his shoulder and does
something inside i cant see

then the alarm starts and i

nearly shit my pants but its
just a strangled little queef of
a sound before richie
squelches it

and he just squats there at the

base of the door totally still
watching the window to see
if anyone looks out and after
a minute passes

he stands up and goes -psst-

and motions me over and i
shuffle over to him and
whisper –wtf- he answers
-im gonna show you how

-to do this in case you ever

need to- and im like
-whatever just hurry- and he

reaches in and releases the
parking brake

-help me push this into the

street so they dont hear us
start it- so i go up to the
hood while he pushes on the
door column

and we get it out of the

driveway and he jumps in
hits the brakes and waves me
over and hes got this like
crowbar thing

and he rips out the panel right

below the steering wheel and
asks me -did you get to
stendhal in english yet- and i

-english what what are you-

and he yanks two wires out
-the red and the black dee

dee the red and the black- he
touches the bare ends

together and the thing comes

to life -never forget stendhal
dee dee now get in- i run
over to the passenger side
and open it

and richie is hunched under

the steering wheel twisting
the wires together -goddamn
it- he whips up shaking his
hand painfully then

throws the bmw into gear
-lets get the fuck out of here-

and he eases us around and
out of the faculty village then
floors it

and it really is something else

entirely idk if its cuz its
night or the bmw is so much
nicer or cuz its cuddys but

its much more exciting this

time and richie throws it into
fifth and exhales slowly -this
is a superior piece of
machinery- and grins at me

-look what kind of music he

has- and im like -shit i
shouldve brought my ipod-
cuz theres a dock but richie
just goes

-next time- and i laugh -as

if- and richie shrugs so i go
through cuddys visor sleeve
and its all like soundtracks
and old blues

and new age garbage and i go

-theres nothing here but shit-
and richie goes -whatever-
totally jaunty and i ask him
-so where are we going

-this time- and he smiles
-were going to boxer you

know our sister school- and
i go -boxer thats like almost
an hour away-

and hes all -not in this thing

ill be there in 45 minutes-
and im like -thats gonna take
way too long

-were gonna get busted- and

he waves me off -stop
worrying dee dee- and i ask
-whats so great at boxer- and
he looks at me

like im an idiot -girls- and i

go -oh- and he says -i know
this girl leander who goes

-shes pretty cool- and im

getting really uptight -you
know cuddy or mrs cuddy
could look out that window at
any time and we are fucked-

richie starts getting pissed
-dont be such a pussy dee

dee if you didnt want to
come you shouldve thought
of that a long time ago-

and i go -i didnt know we

were gonna be gone for like
4 hours- and richie starts
shouting -i didnt go through
all that back there

-just to drive around the

fucking block now we just
stole a car theres nothing you
can do but just sit back and
enjoy the ride jesus-

i sit back and shake my head

-this is gonna take way too
long theyre gonna have the
cops after us- and richie
blows up again

-why do you always have to

be such a mincing little
queer- and i shout -fuck you
asshole you sound like
frejean- and he

grimaces and doesnt say

anything for a minute then he
punches the steering wheel
-fuck- runs his hand through

his hair and goes

-look just dont say anything

else until we get there okay-
and im like -fine whatever-
and we ride the rest of the
way there in silence