"SNAKELAND MUST BE DESTROYED!": SCENE FOUR

* This is a fictionalized account of some shit that actually happened. All the names, locations, etc. have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. – JG *

INTERIOR – FALLSVILLE NORTH HALLWAY – DAY

Hoover and the Misery Kid walk down the hallway talking. Although the Kid’s other clothes change, he continuously wears the skeleton sweater, like armor or a badge of honor. Hoover, as usual, looks faintly ridiculous. As they walk, they pass various Head girls crying in small groups. They pass Mike Guerrasio as well, who is so upset that he doesn’t even call them “punk rock faggots”.

HOOVER

It’s so weird, man – they didn’t even make an announcement or

cancel any classes or anything. As far as they’re concerned it

seems like Hannah didn’t get murdered at all.

MISERY KID

Yeah, well, I mean she was just some Head –

it’s not like somebody real died.

HOOVER

(slightly upset) Hey man, that’s kind of fucked up. That’s like when

that Rand kid killed himself and you wrote “DEAD” over his face in

my yearbook.

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ANGLE on Yearbook page. Picture of Rand with “DEAD” scrawled across his face in capital letters.

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INTERIOR – FALLSVILLE NORTH HALLWAY – DAY

MISERY KID

Yeah, heh heh, that was hilarious.

HOOVER

No, no, it really wasn’t.

MISERY KID

Shut up, pussy.

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EXTERIOR – FALLSVILLE STREETS – DAY

Hoover and the Misery Kid walk purposefully along a suburban Fallsville street. As they walk, every so often the Kid will just begin whaling on Hoover for no reason until he pushes the Kid off of him. They eventually find their destination and walk up a driveway to the garage at the end of it.

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INTERIOR – GRIFFIN’S GARAGE – DAY

Griffin and D-Man are already there, D-Man standing in his customary suit with his bass on, looking bored, and Griffin obsessively tuning his guitar. The Kid and Hoover walk in.

D-MAN

Thanks for deciding to show up.

MISERY KID

Fuck you.

Hoover walks over to where his drums are set up. There are only two of them, a floor tom and a snare, and they are set so that he can play them standing up. He taps them a couple of times with the drumsticks, checking the tuning. Hoover starts looking around.

HOOVER

Shit! What are we gonna use as a mic stand?

Griffin grimaces, looks around, then smiles.

GRIFFIN

Wait, I got an idea.

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Same location, some minutes later. The band is playing one of their songs, “Mutilate My God”. They are rocking out as best they can. The Misery Kid plays an acoustic guitar with a Sesame Street microphone lodged in the hole under the strings to pick up the sound and transmit it to a similar Sesame Street speaker. This bizarre arrangement, however, produces the best fuzztone in the history of Rock. Griffin and D-Man play hard on their more traditionally amplified instruments. Hoover beats the tom-tom and snare in time and sings into a microphone that has been duct-taped to the handle of an old stand-up vaccum cleaner.

HOOVER

(Sings)

I was dreaming on a backstair bleeding

Dirtied up my knees with the flesh

Looking for the blacklight of 119

Anticipating “chien andalou”

And they’re doing something in there and I know it’s something

That I can’t resist

Mutilate my god

Mutilate my god

They rock as one through an instrumental bridge, Griffin bending the strings until they feed back. Hoover comes back in when the time is right.

HOOVER

(Sings)

I was peeking in the keyhole with one eye

Breaking all the glasses of sin

Puking up the blood of the menstrual angels

But almost always missing my shoes

And they’re doing something in there and I know it’s something

That I can’t resist

Mutilate my god

Mutilate my god

They rock until they hit one final chord, all jumping in the air to then slam it home together.

D-MAN

(Breathless) We are awesome.

The Misery Kid shakes his head.

MISERY KID

It was okay but you still keep missing that one part.

D-MAN

(pissed off) What one part?

MISERY KID

You know when I go like this...

The Misery Kid hits a chord.

MISERY KID

...and he goes duh duh dum dum?

The Kid points at Hoover and makes a drumming motion.

D-MAN

Yeah?

MISERY KID

Well, that’s the part where you go diddely dow.

The Kid makes a bass playing motion.

D-MAN

You mean like this?

D-Man plays a quick bass fill. The Misery Kid shakes his head and smiles condescendingly.

MISERY KID

You’re still doing it wrong.

D-Man and the Misery Kid continue to argue in the BACKGROUND while Griffin and Hoover speak quietly.

GRIFFIN

So, uh, are you gonna go to Hannah’s funeral?

HOOVER

No, I mean, are you?

GRIFFIN

No, no, I just thought ‘cause she sat in front of you

in homeroom and stuff...

HOOVER

Wow, well, we weren’t friends or anything, I just sat

behind her, you know...

GRIFFIN

No, no, that’s cool, I just meant...

HOOVER

Yeah, no, I know, it’s just...

Both stop speaking for a moment. Hoover sighs.

GRIFFIN

You wanna go buy some records?

HOOVER

Yeah, man. I really do. I really wanna go

buy some records.

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