"SNAKELAND MUST BE DESTROYED!": SCENE SEVENTEEN

* This is a fictionalized account of some shit that actually happened. All the names, locations, etc. have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. – JG *

FADE IN:

INTERIOR – FALLSVILLE NORTH HALLWAY – DAY

As in earlier scenes, kids mill around in the hallway; however, this time they are quiet, doing more whispering more than anything else.

HOOVER (v.o.)

After Hannah was murdered, everyone

seemed sad, and then when Jeremy killed

his whole family, as sick as it was, everyone

seemed kind of excited. This time, after the

three suicides of Tim, Carolyn and Chris

in quick succession, everyone seemed scared

more than anything else. And we were no

exception.

D-Man comes up to Hoover, Griffin and the Misery Kid, who are standing by the lockers.

D-MAN

Okay, what the fuck is going on, man?

MISERY KID

It’s nothing, just typical depressed teen-

ager bullshit.

HOOVER

I don’t think so, Kid. If it was typical suicide

shit there would’ve been notes. Nobody left

a note.

D-MAN

Right. So basically someone is killing off

Fallsville North kids and making it look like

suicide!

HOOVER

Okay, wow, hang on. I’m not saying that. I’m

just saying it’s super-weird.

GRIFFIN

Whatever it is, it seems to be affecting every-

body – jocks, nerds, punks, heads, normal

kids – not targeting any one group at all.

D-MAN

Let’s face facts: someone or something is

killing us off one by one and no one knows

who or what is doing the killing.

MISERY KID

Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?

D-MAN

I don’t know – will it be dramatic at your

funeral?

MISERY KID

(big smile)

The Misery Kid does not commit suicide.

D-MAN

Yeah, but Hannah and the Janks didn’t

commit suicide either.

HOOVER

Okay, look, no one else is gonna die. We’re

just gonna play our song at Fall-Fest and see

if it flushes anybody out. And speaking of Fall-

Fest, we gotta practice some more – we are

running out of time.

MISERY KID

And speaking of Fall-Fest, we got some adver-

tising to do. Come on, Hoover.

The Kid pulls Hoover over by his t-shirt; Hoover makes a rote protest. Caitlin is standing by another bank of lockers with her two friends from Scene 2. One of them, JACKIE, a brunette, slightly more voluptuous than Caitlin, is speaking.

JACKIE

The adults are totally clueless. They finally had

a town meeting about this stuff last night and do

you know what was decided?

CAITLIN

Uh, no?

The Kid and Hoover come over, invading their space.

JACKIE

They wanna change Fallsville North’s

team name from the Blue Devils to some-

thing “less Satanic”.

CAITLIN

Jesus Christ, that’s pathetic. (nods to the

Kid) What’s up?

MISERY KID

Yeah, hey. We just wanted to make sure

you ladies knew about the fabulous rock-

show going on this weekend.

JACKIE

(incredulous)

You mean Fall-Fest?

MISERY KID

Well, really I mean our band playing Fall-

Fest – we’re on at 7pm on Friday.

CAITLIN

(playing it cool)

What’re you guys called?

MISERY KID

(big smile)

Big Smashies.

JACKIE

Big Smashies?!

HOOVER

(stepping up)

Well, see, that way if we make a record it’ll

be filed between Big Black and Big Star.

CAITLIN

(thinks for a second)

Well, that might be cool.

Hoover moves in closer. The Misery Kid keeps talking with Jackie.

HOOVER

So, did you...um...ever get that Replacements’

album?

CAITLIN

(looks away)

No, I was waiting for you to make me that mix-

tape, but I guess I shouldn’t have waited.

HOOVER

(speechless)

No, wait, I mean...you were?

CAITLIN

(expressionless)

No, it’s cool, I understand. You must be

really busy practicing for this gig. On

Saturday.

HOOVER

But, no...actually it’s Friday...you wanted a

mixtape from me?

CAITLIN

(waves it off)

Whatever. (turns to Jackie) Hey Jack?

Jackie is smiling and touching her hair in response to the Kid’s attentions.

JACKIE

Yeah?

CAITLIN

(looking at Hoover)

What do you think? Do you wanna go see

these guys play this Friday?

JACKIE

Well, yeah, sure. If it’s lame we can just

leave, right?

CAITLIN

(smiles at Hoover)

Right.

JACKIE

(to the Kid)

Cool, then. See you later.

Caitlin just walks away. Jackie and the other girl follow.

MISERY KID

How’d it go?

HOOVER

(miserable)

Now I’m gonna kill myself.

MISERY KID

(scoffs)

C’mon ya wang! (brightens) We gotta

go practice, remember?

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