of course when we started talking about stealing a car i didnt realize that richie would want to steal dean cuddys bmw
i mean i knew that it would end up being some staffs vehicle cuz richie already made clear that the physical plant trucks were
too unreliable in the snow to mess with again but i guess its the fact that its cuddys car and its so much higher end than that shitty truck
we took last time thats got me all nervous and stuff richie tells me thats all mental and to stop psyching myself out but its pretty hard
so anyway friday night about 10:30 we start walking down the road leading off campus and the snow isnt bad
theres very little actually falling its just packed down hard in the road and the plows have thrown
these huge banks up onto the roadsides so unfortunately theres no underbrush or anything to hide in so
if a staff car is coming or going while were walking the road were pretty much fucked so we start out trying to be quiet
but the packed snow crunches underfoot and sound really carries in the thin cold air so all we can really do is avoid talking
and just basically spend the walk watching our breath in the moonlight and soon enough the faculty village comes into sight
i knew that they housed the administration just off-campus everyone did it wasnt a secret it was one of the perks of the job i guess
it was really only crisis staff and dorm workers who had to be local enough to commute in every day richie said this was part of the
krol methodology as well but i dont care really i just want richie to be able to find dean cuddys house and if im being honest
i want him to not be able to start the bmw so we could just go back to the dorm where its warm and safe
richie quietly ticks off the houses as we pass them
-isaacs- -manley- with a grunt -nulles- and we duck past streetlights and over
one block and richies like
-thats it- in front of this
boxy looking house that basically looks like all the others
and i cant figure out how richie could tell them apart in the dark until i see the silver bmw sitting in the driveway
and im like -why in the driveway- in a whisper and he goes -his wifes in town- and points to the closed garage and then
points to his brain with an exaggerated wink and i almost laugh but stop myself just in time and he goes
-watch for cars if you see one run behind the house ill hear you- and leaves me in the street and creeps up to the house
looks once in the window then goes to the car and pulls out the slim jim and goes to work on the door
it only takes a couple of minutes and it seems really loud to me but then hes in and hes holding the door real gentle-like
and he squats down by the edge of it with his hand on the handle and he starts opening it super-slow and
counting to himself and when its open just enough he reaches his arm through up to his shoulder and does something inside i cant see what
then the alarm starts and i nearly shit my pants but its just a strangled little queef of a sound before richie squelches it
and he just squats there at the base of the door totally still watching the window to see if anyone looks out and after a minute passes
he stands up and goes -psst- and motions me over and i shuffle over to him and whisper –wtf- he answers
-im gonna show you how
-to do this in case you ever need to- and im like
-whatever just hurry- and he reaches in and releases the parking brake
-help me push this into the street so they dont hear us start it- so i go up to the hood while he pushes on the door column
and we get it out of the driveway and he jumps in hits the brakes and waves me over and hes got this like crowbar thing
and he rips out the panel right below the steering wheel and asks me -did you get to stendhal in english yet- and i go
-english what what are you- and he yanks two wires out
-the red and the black dee dee the red and the black- he touches the bare ends
together and the thing comes to life -never forget stendhal dee dee now get in- i run over to the passenger side and open it
and richie is hunched under the steering wheel twisting the wires together -goddamn it- he whips up shaking his hand painfully then
throws the bmw into gear
-lets get the fuck out of here- and he eases us around and out of the faculty village then floors it
and it really is something else entirely idk if its cuz its night or the bmw is so much nicer or cuz its cuddys but
its much more exciting this time and richie throws it into fifth and exhales slowly -this is a superior piece of machinery- and grins at me
-look what kind of music he has- and im like -shit i shouldve brought my ipod- cuz theres a dock but richie just goes
-next time- and i laugh -as if- and richie shrugs so i go through cuddys visor sleeve and its all like soundtracks and old blues
and new age garbage and i go -theres nothing here but shit- and richie goes -whatever- totally jaunty and i ask him
-so where are we going
-this time- and he smiles
-were going to boxer you know our sister school- and i go -boxer thats like almost an hour away-
and hes all -not in this thing ill be there in 45 minutes- and im like -thats gonna take way too long
-were gonna get busted- and he waves me off -stop worrying dee dee- and i ask -whats so great at boxer- and he looks at me
like im an idiot -girls- and i go -oh- and he says -i know this girl leander who goes there
-shes pretty cool- and im getting really uptight -you know cuddy or mrs cuddy could look out that window at any time and we are fucked-
richie starts getting pissed
-dont be such a pussy dee dee if you didnt want to come you shouldve thought of that a long time ago-
and i go -i didnt know we were gonna be gone for like 4 hours- and richie starts shouting -i didnt go through all that back there
-just to drive around the fucking block now we just stole a car theres nothing you can do but just sit back and enjoy the ride jesus-
i sit back and shake my head -this is gonna take way too long theyre gonna have the cops after us- and richie blows up again
-why do you always have to be such a mincing little queer- and i shout -fuck you asshole you sound like frejean- and he
grimaces and doesnt say anything for a minute then he punches the steering wheel
-fuck- runs his hand through his hair and goes
-look just dont say anything else until we get there okay- and im like -fine whatever- and we ride the rest of the way there in silence
Hey! This young lady Jia Hui is translating the keitai shousetsu Koizora over here at http://jiahuishousetsutranslation.blogspot.com/ - check it out. Koizora isn't high art or anything, but you'll be able to see pretty quick why I fell in love with the format. Also, it corrected my spelling of shousetsu, which I believe is the most accurate or at least the spelling most often used by folks in the know.
getting back to fairview is weird its not like i had some super-great time at my parents or anything like that
but its like i miss it at home already even though im kind of glad to be back at fairview in this way that i completely cannot explain
but mostly im just pretty bummed out that greg wasthe only guy i really hung out with the whole time i was there
i mean no one else even called me back at all or whatever and that pretty much sucked so when
i go back up into the dorm richies back and i hang out with him for awhile and thats pretty cool cuz hes not being a dick
and we talk about how weird home was and how no one would hang out with me cuz of the gun thing and it comes to my mind
that richie totally did not give a shit about the gun thing at all which was awesome and even though hes a creep in other ways
i guess i am too or whatever so hes talking about his time at home and how he didnt hang out with anybody either and it was lonely
and strange and he doesnt
talk about his parents at all except to say that they hardly exist anymore which is fine with him
and i think about how my folks really arent there at all either but im still not totally cool with that but then again
im not sure what i do want cuz if they were in my shit all the time id probably freak out anyway
the most surprising thing is that richie goes -this may sound weird but i think that maybe we should
-like try to make more friends- and thats kind of what i was feeling too but i totally didnt expect that from richie and i tell him
and he goes all sheepish like he got caught doing something -yeah i know but its like you know i totally
-get sick of just hanging out with you all the time- and im like –thanks- and he goes –no no i know you get sick of me too-
and i say -yeah totally especially when you say shit like that- he scoffs -its not about that its more like just idk
-trying harder everybody here cant be a total smackhead you know- and im like
–what happened to you over break that made you come back all like mary poppins-
he sighs -idk i just thought maybe that theres a way to be like healthier you know- shrugs -idk- so i go
-okay lets try to be like more social justin can be pretty cool- and richies like -the kid with the hair- and he makes this big
swooping motion over his face and im like -yeah- and he goes -well i mean yeah we gotta try right itll be like an experiment-
so we go through school and stuff the next couple of days and i can see that richies trying really hard
not to be as much of an asshole like in class he doesnt call guys out on
being dumbasses as much
and in the dorm he starts hanging out in the common room more even though he just reads and doesnt say anything
so the one night the 40s are out and guys are taking hits off the bong and theres this time travel movie on the flatscreen and
guys start talking about time travel and richie puts his book down for like the first time ever and listens
and im drinking with justin on one of the couches and frejean blurts out totally baked -time travel would be awesome-
big bald tyshawn goes
–hells yes go back to the 60s do nothing but smoke weed trip balls and get my dick sucked-
frejean responds -id go back to gladiator times thats my favorite shit get me a big-ass sword some slave bitches some wine
-pretty sweet son- then richie suddenly cuts in -you cant go back in time- and all of them look over at him kind of shocked
that he even talked frejean scoffs -no shit sherlock but fuckin what if you know fuckin what if- richie throws his arm over
the back of the chair hes in and goes -no no i mean you can absolutely travel in time no doubt you just cant go back
-you can only travel forward in time- blank stoned looks in return richie hikes himself up in the chair -time is a river right it just keeps flowing along
-but as soon as you notice a moment its past you it flowed by you the past isnt behind us its way out in front of us far far away-
tyshawn takes a sip off his 40 -so if you cant go back in time how do you travel forward-
richie smiles -well you know were actually travelling forward in time right now and now and- points -now-
frejean scowls -aw fuck you man thats all you got- richie shakes his head -naw im just being a dick- and im kind of amazed by that
-to travel forward in time all you ultimately have to do is somehow get out of the river of time out of the flow of time
-and just wait for time to pass by you and then like jump back in- he shrugs -you just have to find a way out of the flow which is a bitch-
this kid tyler all glassy-eyed murmurs -yr kind of blowing my mind right now- frejean actually seems interested
- so what could take somebody out of the time stream- and richie goes
-well death- frejean scowls again
-no doubt fuckhead- and richie leans in hard -no listen what if death takes you out but you find a way to stay aware after death
-what if you stay you and you come back in the future just in a different body with a different name- richie shakes his head in amazement
-wouldnt that be like travelling in time- tyshawn turns and points at richie accusingly -i got
-no idea what yr talking about right now dude none- and richie just gets up shrugs at me with his hands open and leaves
tyshawn and frejean go back to talking about fucking past-bitches and i help justin finish the 40 and head back to my room
so pretty much the next day me and richie get together and make an informed decision that our experiment
was a miserable failure and that we should steal another car as soon as humanly possible
the next day i start calling everyone in my phone to see whos around and who can hang out
but nobody answers and idk if theyre not off yet or busy or whatever but after awhile
i go through my old stuff and root out their like land lines and call a few people that way but
mostly i get their parents of course cuz theyre the only ones who still use land lines basically
and the ones who answer are pretty weird to me for the most part which i can pretty much understand
cuz probably the last they heard of me was before i went to fairview and the whole gun thing but
i leave messages with them for charlie and chris and dan but i dont get anything back and im starting
to get kind of bummed out but i call gregs house and the old answering machine picks up and i try leaving this
really like fake-cheery message and greg picks up halfway through and im super-psyched but his voice is quiet
and weird like hes trying not to be heard or something and he just tells me to meet him at the kwik fill later on which is cool
so i go out and walk over and hes hanging outside and its awesome to see him and we go in and buy red bulls
greg tries to buy smokes but they card him which is bizarre to me cuz im used to fairview by now and like
drinking 40s and smoking weed as if it wasnt anything at all and greg asks me what its like there and i tell him that stuff
and he kind of cant believe how awesome that sounds and it makes me feel really cool until
i think about what was all going through my head the other night about the lines and the screens
but i dont tell greg any of that stuff just how i broke into the locked door with my id and he thinks thats super-cool
and i feel pretty badass so i tell him about richie and stealing the truck which also totally impresses him
but he thinks richie sounds like a total dick which i guess i can understand from the way i described him
so i try to like explain why hes cool to hang out with sometimes but i dont think greg totally buys it
and he talks a little about how it seems like since i went to fairview im actually getting wasted a lot more and
doing like more illegal shit rather than less but i say that although it seems like that
the good part is that i totally dont feel like bringing a gun to school anymore and his face gets weird
and we talk about that for a little while and greg explains that he didnt want his folks to know we were
gonna hang out cuz they were pretty freaked out by the gun thing and a lot of the other parents were too
especially after salinas and stuff and thats probably why the other guys werent calling back or whatever
not cuz they didnt wanna hang but cuz of their folks and whatnot and im like i guess i can understand
but its still me im still the same dee dee and greg goes
-dee dee- all quizzical and i forgot for a second but i
dont want to go into the whole richie thing again so i just go –forget it- and he looks at me weird again
but drops it anyway and i just ask him what hes been doing and we start talking about girls for awhile
and gregs dating this girl nicole who i always thought had great tits and hes like yeah
but theyre actually kind of floppy and almost too big and i go totally serious -no such thing- and he laughs
and it almost feels like before for awhile and we keep walking and he talks about these world war 2 games
hes really into and anime and shit and its okay but then i notice where we are cuz weve been walking
and i realize were at my old school his school and i look at it and greg kind of fades out and i zone into this weird thing
that i totally would never think of normally but there was this retarded girl there i never knew her name
she was total special ed short bus and the other guys used to make fun of me cuz every time shed see me in the hallway
shed giggle and hide her face and go –desmond- in this weird high pitched retardy voice and theyd all
imitate her and talk about how she was my girlfriend and id get super-pissed and tell them all to fuck off
but i never did it like loud or anything cuz she was just a retard and i didnt want to make her feel bad
you know i figured it was hard enough to be retarded and to have people making fun of you all the time
and i realize as we walk by the school that i was never going back there
thered be no way theyd ever let me go back there and i would never see that retarded girl again and i dont know why
but it makes me like super-sad to think of it and thats just stupid shes just a retard why would i care
but i do and it makes me angry and sad at the same time and i keep trying to focus back on greg
and the shit that hes talking about but i just cant get my head around the fact
that some weird part of me actually misses that retarded girl and im angry and sad that i dont know her name
everybody gets sent home over christmas if they have homes to go to and it feels really great and exciting at first
all of us riding together in the fairview van even though richie got put on a train out of town so im with frejean and justin
and some of the other guys but everyones being cool cuz theyre all basically happy to go home so its pretty rowdy and fun
and its snowing lightly and its making me feel christmassy inside even though thats totally pussy but i actually end up being the first
to be dropped off and we pull up and i can see a tree with lights through the front window and with snow everywhere my house seems
totally weird to me like a place i lived once in a dream or something and my mom comes out to the van and signs the clipboard
and gives me a huge hug and i walk with her to the front door then the van drives off and she asks how things are
and i tell her that things are going good and she says
–good- and then we walk inside and its really warm like too warm
and my mom calls out to my dad that im home and hes in the other room watching tv and he calls out –good-
and my mom takes me to the kitchen and we sit at the breakfast bar and eat my favorite pizza from molinas and she drinks a glass
of wine and i have pepsi and she doesnt talk much but she smiles at me a lot and i smile back and when im done
she takes me up to my old bedroom and she opens the door and all the lights are on and its cleaner than its ever been
and theres other stuff thats different too but my mom looks at me funny and asks
–good- and i nod and she tells me goodnight
and dont stay up too late and i go in and look at my dvds and all the horror movies are gone and basketball diaries and
ichi the killer and some other stuff thats not even violent she left full metal jacketwhich is weird but whatever and then
i look at my cds and theres a lot gone there too all the rap stuff marilyn manson spider babies even kill taker
which i guess she took because of the name cuz theyre like totally positive and straight edge but whats weird is that i didnt notice
right away that my laptops gone and i kind of freak out quietly for awhile but then i figure out theyre probably just gonna
monitor me on their pc downstairs so i go down to see if i can get on and i guess my mom went to bed
and i look in the living room and my dads asleep in front of espn and i walk up to him and look down at his face
his eyes are closed and his mouth is open and i think about turning off the tv but hes got a death grip on the remote
anyway im afraid hed wake up if i turn it off so i look at the tv and back at him for a little while
then i go back up to my old bedroom and read this choose-your-own-adventure that i liked when i was 8 until i fall asleep
the next morning it snows for the first time this year and its weird cuz
everyones obviously kind of excited but acting like they dont care about something as gay as the first snowfall
but it definitely brings up all those little kid feelings of like snowmen and days off and christmas morning
and everyones rushing to get outside much more than usual and i run into richie and im like -hey its snowing-
and hes all blasé-blasé like
-hm oh really- and then i go -i was looking for you last night where were you-
and he gives me this weird face -i was in my room what do you mean- and i tell him -i came down cuz
-i wanted to talk to you about something- and he laughs in a strange way -well idk what to tell you dee dee
-i was in my room all night- and i go -well when i came down- and he blows up
-jesus what am i yr boyfriend
-maybe i was taking a shit what the hell- and i go
-whatever man dont have a fucking conniption- and he scoffs
-dont worry about me dee dee- i stare at the floor -i wont- then he sighs -so what was this
-huge important thing you just had to tell me about last night- and im like -nothing dont worry about it-
richie changes tacks on me
-aw cmon dee dee dont be that way tell me all about it- and frejean passes us in the hall
-whats the matter faggots outta lube- and laughs to himself richie waves him off without even looking -fly away shitbird-
frejean makes cocksucking sounds and richie just gives him the finger -cmon dee dee im listening- and im like
-forget it
-lets just go to school- and richie shrugs and we leave the dorm and start walking over and a bunch of guys
are already out there having a snowball fight and theyre whooping and shouting and running
and honestly it looks super fun and i stop and look for a minute and then richies all
-dee dee are you coming-
and for a second i almost say -no im gonna get in on this- but i look over at him and hes all impatient
i look back again and i shrug and just follow him over to the school and we pass the wall by the cafeteria where the graffiti was
and nulles and cuddy are out there watching the physical plant guys finish the sandblasting before the snow gets too bad
and we walk by and richie gives them a jaunty wave and nulles just stares at us with his weird mouth all tight but
cuddys got that same little smile and strange excited look about the eyes that he got with richie when the graffiti first went up
and they just stand there and watch us until we go in the school again just like last time the lines of our
lives running back and forth over each other crossing and recrossing again and again and again and again
so of course i have to look up
krol anyway and theres
nothing in the fairview
library of course but i
go online and i figure if i
look hard enough i can find
something real on krol
because if i look hard enough
i can find women fucking
barnyard animals for
chrissakes but the weird thing
is that its pretty much just
like what richie said
every entry on him in the
webstapedia and other sites
starts off with –discredited
social scientist stanislav krol-
or –disgraced
-social scientist stanislav
krol- like they all kind of
copied off each other or
something and they talk some
about his studies of cult
behavior
but mostly its about his work
with patients taking
psilocybin mushrooms in
controlled conditions and
they make him sound like
some sort of crazy hippie
burnout or something but
they dont talk at all about soft
controls or what it means so
then something
interesting happens cuz i go
looking up soft controls and
its all like really positive
and talking about marketing
and advertising and
social media business
applications and a lot of other
terms that mean like
absolutely nothing to me but
they dont mention krol at all
or fairview or any of the
schools like it so i wonder
about the connection that
richies making like if theres
no one else making it
is it real but then i look up
nlp finally after my earlier
aborted stoned attempt and
again its all this positive stuff
about
social media marketing
strategies and i thought nlp
was kind of sinister the way
that richie described and the
way that crisis staff
use it to like totally
manipulate you in this really
weird way so you dont know
that theyre doing it and then
suddenly it was like
there was the story that the
words on the screen were
telling but then there was
like this other story that was
being told
between the words if that
makes any sense like the
parts that theyre leaving out
and the things that i saw and
felt were combining in this
weird way
that i never really
experienced before and i
started having this experience
like i was high but i wasnt
high like i could totally
still control where my mind
went even though i felt really
like elated and stuff and im
rising up out of my body
almost
and im looking down at me at
the computer in my room and
then i rise higher
and im above the dorm but i
can still see me inside and
then these like lines start
appearing where i go
to the school then back to the
dorm then back to the school
and its like the same closed
path
every single day and the lines
just go back and forth over
each other again and again
and again
so that it seems like my
whole life is just one thick
line between two or three
points really
but then i rise higher and then
theres like this big spike out
where richie and me stole the
truck
we drove to white rock
and drove around and came
back and i realize that
that line out is the only real
deviation from this ridiculous
back and forth straight line
life
that i lead that we lead at
fairview just school to dorm
to school to dorm and then
when we get there its all
screens
like my computer screen and
the 52 inch flatscreen and my
ipod screen and the smart
boards they use at school
and then it gets a little scary
for awhile because that seems
really unreal to me and kind
of fucked up so then im back
in my body
at the computer screen and i
get up and turn it off cuz
honestly im a little grossed
out and i go down the hall
to talk to richie about it but
hes not there the room is
empty and im pissed cuz im
having
what i think is an epiphany
like isaacs is always on about
with those jack london short
stories
he makes us read but anyway
hes not there and i go down
the hall to the common room
and
theyre playing pimptastic 2
and smoking bud but i am so
not into that at this minute
and justins in there
and i consider talking to him
about it cuz he can be cool
sometimes but hes totally
slack jawed from the weed
and just
staring at that huge 52 inch
screen and that kinda freaks
me out too so i just end up
finding my way
up to the roof through that
one door that richie showed
me and i end up out there
alone
staring up at the stars and the
satellites for awhile and just
kind of thinking it all through
but
the funny part is when i
eventually get too cold to
deal anymore and i go to
come back in the door is
locked
behind me and i am
completely screwed cuz if i
bang to get someone to let me
in and one of the guys comes
up
theyre gonna know about it
then and wanna come up here
all the time and thatll suck
wildly
and if its crisis staff thatll
suck even worse cuz then
theyll lock the door from the
inside and either way
richie will be super-pissed at
me so i just calm myself and i
get an idea and take my
laminated fairview id
and try and slip it between
the door and the frame and
jimmy the lock and it takes
about half an hour
but i finally do it and i almost
shout when it clicks open and
im super-psyched and i feel
like macgyver
but by the time i get back
down to my room the
adrenaline starts wearing off
and its really warm
so i basically just lay down to
crash and i crash hard
on the way back to fairview i dont talk much mostly cuz im pissed that he was being such a dick again
and idk if hes got something on his mind or what but richie doesnt talk at all and the only time either of us says anything
is when i make the point that regret isnt like msg at all because msg doesnt magnify flavors by contrast but by a chemical reaction
and he replies -dee dee yr just smart enough to be hopelessly annoying and no smarter- and im just
–whatever man
-you know im right- and silence again and it doesnt lift until we get back to fairview and we coordinate how to get the truck back
to the physical plant without attracting any attention and then after we drop it off we just walk back to the dorm and
go in separately to avoid suspicion theres not a lot after that and the week goes by pretty uneventfully again except for isaacs class
where were reading this book called –lord of the flies- and theres this part where the kid simon dies because they think hes the beast
and isaacs is talking about how the light and the movement of the body by the water is indicative of the reincarnation theme
and i can see richie getting increasingly bunged up as isaacs keeps talking about reincarnation and eventually richie goes into this thing
about how the word reincarnation shouldnt be used because it doesnt indicate theres any choice in the process
and isaacs immediately stiffens and says –okay richie maybe resurrection might be a better term to use due to the christ imagery-
but richie keeps going -but in the elsa barker book- and isaacs cuts him off -we are not talking about elsa barker in this class-
and he raises his eyebrows like a signal almost but richie starts again and isaacs beats him to the punch -we are not talking about
-elsa barker in this class we are talking about william golding- and richie stops sighs and slumps back in his chair
and doesnt say anything for like the whole rest of class i write down -elsa barker- in my notebook so i can look her up later
but basically forget to so anyway i keep my eyes open for when crisis staff intervene and im getting better at figuring out
what theyre doing while theyre doing it and its weird but it does seem like theres patterns there if you listen hard enough
and this thing starts happening for awhile where i start listening to everything almost like it was what crisis staff were saying
like movies and tv shows and commercials especially and it starts weirding me out like on this one night when i got a couple of
bong hits off those other guys in the common room watching tv and it brought me to the point where i was almost freaking out
so i left and went to talk to richie but after a couple minutes he asked me if i was high and i said yeah and he said
-im not gonna talk to you when yr high because im gonna have to repeat myself every two minutes cuz yr not gonna be able
-to keep up- and im like
–whatever- and i go to look up stuff on nlp on the internet but pretty soon i forget what i was doing
and just start trolling for porn instead but the next day i think about it a little bit and notice that ive never seen richie
drink or smoke weed or anything and i think its funny that i didnt notice before cuz he seems like the coolest guy i know
but it seems pretty geeklike to me that he doesnt party at all but he could be straight edge although those dudes can get on yr nerves
pretty fucking quick i had this friend back home for awhile who was straight and he was pretty intense especially
if we were at a party or something so anyway i talk to richie the next day at lunch and hes all like -i dont give a shit
-if you drink or smoke weed or whatever but it gets really boring for me really quick because i dont and its hard enough for me
-to keep you on my wavelength when yr straight- and i notice yet again that even when hes being friendly to me hes still kind of dickish
-anyway adolescence -is- drugs sunshine its the biggest bestest high that there is dont forget that- and he gives me this silly grin
but anyway we get into it about the soft controls and richies all like -okay lets start from the beginning why did they create
-fairview- and im like - idk cuz theres all these fucked up kids and they need a place to put them- and hes like
-yeah sure but why wouldnt they just put them in lockdown with like tons of rules and shock training and shit like that-
i go -idk too expensive- and richie says -naw fairviews way more expensive to keep going those places are all like bare walls
-and barracks and shit- and i dont wanna keep guessing so i go - idk richie why dont you tell me- and he shifts into
monologue mode -fairview was created cuz the old lockdown system didnt take into account the unquenchable appetite for teenage rebellion-
he raises a finger -hence salinas- i flash back to the walls of his dorm room -if you press on kids long enough and hard enough
-theyre gonna flip out and get some guns or whatever and rip shit up- and i ask him
-so wait the salinas shooting was why they started fairview-
richie nods -basically im not sure that fairview was the first to use the krol methodology but its definitely the most
-successful- and im all
-whoa okay who the fuck is krol now- and richie smiles -stanislaw krol was this guy from back in the 60s/early 70s
-who did all this theorizing about cults and manson and shit and he coined the phrase soft controls and basically explained the framework
-by which you can control whole groups of people to do what you want them to by making them think theyre as free
-or freer than everybody else-
hes starting to get really pumped up like on fire how he was in the cafeteria or in isaacs room that one day
-he basically identified how rebellion could be built into the package- richie grins shakes his head in admiration -the guy was a genius really- pauses
-but the fairview model was pretty much created by krol- and im confused cuz richie seems so into this guy -so krol wanted a bunch of fairviews
-to spring up- and hes like
-no no not at all krol would be horrified if he knew what they were doing with his work-
and now im reeling even worse than before -i dont get it then why doesnt he stop them from using his work- and richie giggles
-krol died penniless and disgraced in 1982 he could only stop them if he came back from the dead- and he gets this weird
faraway look for a second
-but anyway krol was defining what he thought was the disease not the cure- and then the weird buzz
comes out of the mounted speakers that signals the end of lunch and doesnt let up until everybody leaves so richie gets up and goes
-dont bother looking krol up on the interwebs dee dee if you can even find his writings they edited the living shit out of them- but
im like -so where can i find the original texts- and he stops in his tracks and turns back to me -why dee dee i think i might be
-falling in love with you- and i get super creeped-out for a second and it shows and he just laughs and laughs and turns away
-you wont be able to find the original texts dee dee they took what they wanted from krol then erased him from the world-
I just got an anonymous comment letting me know that Marvellous Keene is due to be executed by the state of Ohio on July 21, 2009. This made me feel very, very strange in a number of ways. In "Gun Crazy - Part Seventeen" I used Marvellous Keene as a vehicle to examine the reasons why some murderers are semi-deified (the examples I used were Charles Starkweather and Bonnie and Clyde) and some are just quickly forgotten or demonized. I found Marvellous Keene's name and specifics from some shit in an old notebook from the mid-90s and decided to use it for the poem, not having any idea if he had been paroled or was still in prison or, as we now know, on death row.This brings up a few dodgy issues. First off, using an actual murderer (with, you know, actual victims) in a poem. There's a lot of stuff in "Gun Crazy" that is morally questionable, and in every other case, that's cool with me - I designed it to be provacative, and to have an amoral stance that reflects the number of conflicting feelings I have about guns, America, violence, religion, etc. But again, whatever his crimes, Marvellous Keene is a real person (as were his victims) and I am literally using him and his image and crimes as a figurative element in a long-form poem, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.Secondly, Marvellous Keene is going to be killed by the state. Again, using "Gun Crazy"'s anti-logic, this is a fitting end for the story: eye for an eye, cycle of violence, American tradition, etc. But it makes me feel terrible. I am not rabid about it, but I have never been a supporter of the death penalty. The very idea that this guy is going to be killed now for what he did at 19 or 20 years old, 15 years ago, is madness to me. I've never known someone who was on death row. This, in its wussy way, is probably the closest I'm ever gonna get.Thirdly, I wondered how Marvellous himself would feel reading the piece. Or the parent or friend of one of his victims. I assume that Mr. Keene would most probably see the truth quickly: intellectual pansy with no firsthand knowledge of true violence uses a figure from an ancient newspaper clipping to add heft to his writing. Mr. Keene would most probably not see any of himself in the piece at all, despite the repeated use of his (admittedly very colorful) name. And I would think that a victim's friend or family would just be enraged.I got some stuff to think about. Kinda fucked up, right?http://fictionalmixtape.blogspot.com/2009/04/gun-crazy-part-seventeen.html
so richie comes into my roomon saturday and honestly im totally happy about it cuz even if he can be a dick sometimes
hes more interesting than pretty much everybody else at fairview but of course im not gonna let him know that so hes all
-dee dee whats going on-
and im at my computer working on a paper for isaacs and im like -you know not much- and he comes over
big boots thudding across the floor and stands on the other side of the flatscreen monitor hes got his leather jacket on and he goes
-so are you ready to go- and im like -what do you mean go where- and he says -out you smackhead where else-
and i just laugh -what are we gonna do walk in the woods- and he tilts his head -noooo were gonna go for a ride-
im all -in what- and hes like -in one of the physical plant trucks- and i just turn back to the monitor -count-me-out-
he scoffs -aw come on dont be a pussy lets go out- and i scowl -what so im a pussy because i dont wanna steal a truck-
he gets very matter-of-fact
-its only stealing if you keep it were gonna give the truck right back- and i go -whats out there
-that you wanna see so bad its just miles and miles of cowshit and then theres white rock not exactly a teeming
metropolis-
he narrows his eyes -yeah but theres the possibility of mystery romance- thinks for a second -regret- and i laugh
-why would i wanna have any regrets- and he goes -do you have any regrets- and im like -im fucking 15 i havent done anything yet-
he raises a finger -and you wont ever if yr this scared of regret- and hes twisting my words so i go -im not afraid of regret
-im just not gonna like actively seek it out its a bad thing right- and richie gets all philosophical on me
-regret is the msg of life
-it makes the sweets sweeter the joys bigger somehow you gotta get you some regrets there son- and i laugh again
-what book did you steal that one from richie- and he grimaces looks down for something at his feet finds it and jams his boot down hard
on the power strip my computer immediately shuts down and the flatscreens display winks out and im speechless for a second then i scream
-you worthless fucking asshole i didnt save that- and hes suddenly solemn -i know and i fully and completely regret what i did-
then he grins at me -now come on- and i just sigh
-sure sure why not theres no way youre gonna get into any of those trucks-
and 20 minutes later were on route 420 towards white rock away from fairview in this rickety old red truck and i can barely believe it
not just that he did it but how quickly he did it he just had me watch out for staff and then suddenly it roars to life
and im in the passenger seat and were rolling off campus and its still not kicking in that he just stole a truck we stole really
thats how itll be if we get busted but i try not to think about that i just turn and ask him as nonchalantly as i can
-so where are we going- and hes like -i dont know ive got one place in mind but im not sure i can find it without a map-
and im like -okay but what is it that yr trying to find- and hes all -just relax dee dee everythings cool- and
i just say
-i am relaxed im just feeling a little exposed you know-
and were pulling up to a red light when richie goes
-whoa nelly-
cuz theres a cop car already there and were gonna pull up right next to it i start going
-shit shit shit shit shit- and richie just reaches down and pulls up a dirty john deere baseball cap from the floor says -stop talking- and pops it on his head
and as we pull up i watch his jaw slacken and his eyes glaze over and we come to a stop right next to the cops
and he stares straight ahead for a minute then turns his head slightly and catches the eye of the cop in the passenger seat
and richies face never changes but he nods briefly to the cop then turns his gaze back to the road ahead
and then the light changes and the cops drive off and richie puts the truck in gear and we roll through the intersection
and he exhales with a whistle and i go -holy shit what did you just do- and he says very slowly
-acknowledge them but dont be memorable in any way- and im like -where do you get this stuff- and he shrugs
-soft controls- and i ask
-what are soft controls- and hes all -soft controls are like behavior modification
-without you realizing youre being manipulated- and i just shake my head and laugh -it looked like magic-
he smiles and says -have you ever heard of nlp neuro linguistic programming- and im like -uh no- and he goes on
-have you noticed how crisis staff talk when somebodys flipping out their voices lower and kind of fall into a rhythm-
and i go -yeah thats so weird i was gonna ask you about that- and he smiles again and goes -theres a hypnotic effect at work
-how they start talking over each other overlapping for a second but they say the same words and then the other guy continues-
i nod -uh huh- he goes on
-youve gotta listen to the word choices too they use words or combinations of words that you
-never normally would in a situation like that- and again im all -how do you know this stuff- he grins at me
and switches gears -you wont find this on the interwebs dee dee you gotta read real books original texts are the only way to go-
and then he sees something that pulls him back -oh yeah now i know where we are i just take a left here- and he guides the truck over
down this almost dirt road but its pretty secluded so i feel a little less anxious and im coming down off the adrenaline
from the stoplight situation so im actually pretty relaxed by the time we get to the cemetery and richie puts the truck in park
-here we are- and im like
-here- and he goes -yup-
and gets out of the truck slams the door starts moving
through scattered tombstones like hes on some mission
and i open the passenger door stick my head out and shout -hey where the hell are you going-
and he shouts back -i got a couple of people i need to see- and i go -what do you mean- but hes out of earshot
by the time i catch up to him hes darting back and forth jumping up in the thin cold air to try and see farther
-goddamn cemeteries they should be arranged alphabetically- and he goes off in another direction and
i just trail along behind and he stops suddenly and goes
–dee dee- and i say -what- and he says -listen to that- and i say -what-
and he shushes me and we just stand there listening for a minute and he asks me -do you hear that- and i say
–what- for like
the hundredth time -i dont hear anything- and he smiles at me -yeah its awesome- and i almost shout -what- one last time and he
goes -its nothing the sound of nothing- i shake my head and richie goes -dont dismiss it dee dee one of the best things about the dead
-is they know when to shut the fuck up- and he turns back and starts moving again further into the cemetery
he gestures at this bunch of evergreens -now i think i remember these two trees from before
-i think its somewhere between them and that flag- and he points to a big marble monument with benches and all
-yeah somewhere over here- big boots thudding on the cold hard ground i sigh and follow along and
he shouts –all right- crouches down in front of two stones side by side clears off some dirt and leaves where they accumulated
the names are RAYMOND GANNETT and JANE TULLE-GANNETT and the birthdates are different
but the death dates are the same june 18 1991 and i peer in over richies shoulder and ask -who are they-
richie keeps tidying the stones -just a couple of dead people- not taking it seriously and i ask
-are these yr parents- and he stops turns and looks at me like im a dumbass -i was born in 1994 what do you think-
i look at the death dates again and feel like a dumbass -oh how did they die-
-car crash killed em both- and i say –oh- and wait awhile until richie clears a lot more junk off the graves
-did they know yr parents- and richie sighs -no my parents dont have a lot of like human interaction
-thats why i picked them- and i go -what do you mean thats why you picked them- and he sighs through his teeth
goes -i was just kidding its a joke- and i go -oh i dont get it- and he just shrugs and turns back to the tombstones
so i go -so were they like people that - and richie stands up and almost shouting -do you have to be
-like fucking talking every other second can you not feel the need to constantly fill the space- and i feel stupid
and go –no i was just- and he keeps shouting -just enjoy the silence for like one goddamn minute okay- and im just real quiet like
-okay- and i guess i kind of sulk over to the side richie squats down again and doesnt say anything for awhile
then whispers to the graves
-this is bad magic i probably shouldnt have come- and kisses his fingers and touches
them to jane tulle-gannets gravestone -i love you- and gets up dusts his pants off and thuds back to the truck
and i wait for a minute for whatever i dont know but i just kind of walk after him and when i get to the truck
i wait to see if hes gonna just drive off and leave me there and he goes -are you coming or what- so i just shrug and get in
Posting "big difference" made me sad, mostly because i was very sad when i wrote it. But then i read this piece from Kim Cooper's excellent book about neutral milk hotel's amazing album "in the aeroplane over the sea" (and if you dont own this album go get it now, really, sincerely) and it made me feel a lot better. This is a quote from Julian Koster, a multi-instrumentalist in the band:
"...there's something pure and infinite in you, that wants to come out of you, and can come out of no other person on the planet. That's what you've got to share, and that's as real and important as the fact that you're alive...nothing is going to give you that message, necessarily. In fact, most things are going to lead you away from it, sadly, because humanity is really confused at the moment. But you wouldn't exist if the universe didn't need you. And any time I encounter something beautiful that came out of a human somewhere, that's them, that's their own soul. That's just pure...it fills up your own soul, it makes you want to cry, it makes you glad you're alive, it lets you come out of you. And that's what we need: we desperately need you."
i mean, that's awesome. we're in rilke or krishnamurti territory here, and this guy is a fucking rock musician. says a lot for that band.
there's a differencebetween wanting to kill yourselfand wishing you were deada big differencethose who just wish they were dead- aside from their passivity -are also cursed with hopeand gaze longinglyfrom the other side of the yellow police tapeas if it were a red velvet roperefusing admittance
