next day i get back to the dorm after school and i walk by richies room and hes standing by the side of his bed
and hes looking at the wall and i dont say anything but just walk closer to the door and all the pictures
of salinas on 12/01 have been ripped down the wall is empty except for little pieces of tape and tack holes
and little fragments of paper still fluttering here and there and richie reaches out to touch one with his finger
then sadly just lets his arm drop to his side and continues to stare at the now empty wall and i
want to go in and say something or do something but i have no idea what and the ripped pictures arent even there
crumpled on the floor or in the garbage can theyre just gone basically and im angry and confused but mostly
im just sad cuz ive never seen richie like this its strange he just looks defeated and weirdly old like not 16 but
like a grown man and not in a good way like idk middle-aged and sad like my dad or something and i just
keep standing there looking at him and i want to leave before he turns and sees me but its like i cant
i just keep watching him idk why its like i have nothing to gain but i just keep watching him anyway
and then i hear this like happy shout come from the common room and i look over and justin comes out smiling
he sweeps the hair out of his eyes and sees me -hey somebody put the g5 back- he waits for a reactionbut i dont really know what
to say so he goes -so thats
cool- and then he walks up
to richies door
moves in next to me in the
doorway and goes -hey
richie cuddys office called
the dorm he wants to see
you- then turns
back to me -were playing
gridiron extreme- then
smiles again and goes right
back into the common room
i turn back to richie
in time to see his chin drop to
his chest he doesnt say
anything doesnt move again
and suddenly i dont want to
stay any longer so i just turn
around and leave
so a couple of days later the g5 goes missing from the common room which is weird cuz it wasnt the memory card
or one of the games but the entire system which doesnt make any sense cuz first off how could someone hide it and secondly
no one could use it in their room or something without everyone knowing but either way its gone and after school cuddy and nulles
and a few of the physical plant workers come to the dorm and start doing room searches looking for it and none of the guys object at all
including me and they go through almost like apologetically and when they actually find something like porn
or weed or a bottle of vodka cuddy just goes like –watley take care of this- or
–malachowski i dont want to see this again-
and they just move on not even taking the stuff they found which is kinda crazy to me but the physical plant guys are
totally stone faced they just seem to be there to like
lift mattresses and stuff and it feels super weird when they go through my room
but they dont find anything and cuddys just like all sheepish –sorry- and im like –its cool- and nulles just stands there with his
red glasses and tight little mouth all creepy and shit and they just move on to the next one and all of us just kind of follow
from room to room and watch all clustered around the doorways as they do exactly the same thing to everybody and find no g5 of course
but then they get to richies room and it gets like tenser cuz i think a lot of the guys here think richie did it even though
i know thats absolutely ridiculous but when were all standing at his door frejean goes to tyshawn –he definitely did it
-he hates video games- and i go –why the fuck would he steal the g5 if he hates it so much- and frejean looks over his shoulder at me
like im retarded -so none of us can play it dumbass- then he looks at tyshawn shakes his head and looks back into the room
where cuddy and nulles and
the physical plant guys are
standing in front of richies
bed taking up almost all of
the available space
and richies sitting on the bed
with his arms folded and
cuddy smiles at him -richie
you know what were doing
here may i take a look
-through yr room for the
missing g5- richie smiles
back -no you may not-
cuddy mustve been expecting
this cuz he just goes
-why would you respond to
my request in that manner i
wonder- and richies smile
nearly breaks when he says
-because its invasive
-because its condescending
because it betrays trust-
cuddy raises his eyebrows
-trust- richie says –yes
-you should just ask me if i
did it id say no why the hell
would i you trust me the
end- cuddy gestures briefly
back at all of us
at the door -none of yr
classmates had any problem
with the search- and richie
looks away shrugs looks
back
-maybe they didnt think it
through clearly enough- and
someone not frejean shouts
from the back -let him look
asshole- and a few
guys laugh cuddy turns
shakes his head gestures with
his hand silence again his
tone is regretful -you know if
you dont let us search
-and all yr classmates do-
breathes -the finger of
suspicion will remain pointed
at you rightfully or not- tilts
his head
-can you withstand that sort
of pressure- and richie
doesnt even acknowledge the
threat -sure because i didnt
do it and you
-and everyone else should
believe me when i say that-
and cuddy is about to go on
when his eye is caught by
something on the bed
-is that yr teddy bear richie-
and richie smiles -sure is
thats ah pook the destroyer-
and nulles grunts and cuddys
face falls
-did you spray paint the wall
in the commons richie- and
richie doesnt look away but
doesnt respond either cuddy
steps closer
-did you take my car richie-
and richie looks away and
cuddy nods bites his lower lip
-okay i think were done
here-
then goes to turn away but he
is stopped again by all the
salinas school shooting stuff
taped up on richies wall he
gestures to it
-do you think this is
appropriate- and richie looks
up at the wall then back to
cuddy -i didnt know we had
to clear
-our room decorations with
you too- cuddy nods -room
decorations hmm- turns to
the physical plant guys -lets
move on- and they backtrack
through us at the door but
nulles stares at richie for a
few moments seething and
richie just stares back until
nulles grunts
turns on his heel and
steamrollers through the door
after hes gone the guys pour
into the room tyshawn goes
-were gonna get you
-you fucking asshole- and
frejean points at richie
-fucking dick that g5 better
be back tonight- richie clicks
his tongue and shrugs
and everyone else leaves but
me i ask him -what was that
all about- and richie starts
sorting a pile of books on his bed
-im just not gonna put up
with that kind of shit- and i
go -but if you let them look
they wouldnt have found
anything
-and this would already be
over for you now everybody
thinks you did it- richie sighs
-yeah i know but i didnt- and
i think for a minute
-is this like a principle thing-
and richie straightens up
looks at me -yeah its like a
principle thing-
i sit down on the other end of
the bed and start looking
through the books -you
know everyone thinks im an
asshole
-for even hanging out with
you- and he scoffs -so dont-
and i find this book by phillip
k dick and leaf through it
while richie keeps sorting and
silently making little stacks
of books between us on the
bed
so next morning richie slaps me on the leg and the impact travels in a wave all the way up my body and stops at my head
where it wakes me with this thudding horrible ache that is instantly worse than anything ive ever felt before
followed by an intense feeling of blind panic -holy shit holy shit did you take the car back- i attempt to sit up on the bed
which fails completely and then i fall slowly back to the pillow moaning richie laughs -yeah yeah i took it back we didnt get caught-
my suffering abates for a moment -good- and then he says –i left cuddy a note on the steering wheel thanking him for the loan though-
im reeling and i cant tell if hes fucking with me or not
-oh god tell me yr kidding me- and he says -naw i didnt write that
-i wouldnt write something like that- and again the pain recedes for a second he goes on -i wrote –ah pook is here- on a post-it
-and left that on the steering wheel- and i cant even get pissed anymore -whatever man- i just roll over
then he says -i didnt come over to tell you that i came over to tell you what i figured out after last night
-about what you asked me in the car- and i just moan
-jesus christ i dont care just leave me alone- and put my hands over my ears
his voice becomes oddly thoughtful -you know when you asked me that if we are friends i actually had to think about that-
i take my hands away from my head and sigh -oh great i cant wait to hear the rest-
-no really i mean theres gotta be some reason i hang out with yr beaver cleaver ass right-
i dont say anything already getting tired of being insulted and hes just getting started
-what it is i think you remind me of somebody that i used to know that i really liked- he stops for a minute
-or better yet i mean you remind me of the kind of person that person wouldve really liked
-she was always saying i was way too hard on everybody except her and she wouldve liked you a lot
-she wouldve been pissed at me for being mean to you and maybe she wouldve been right so i guess we are friends-
im dizzy now -are you talking about leander-
he shakes his head scowls
-no not at all-
//something goes off in my brain through the fog//
-you mean jane jane tulle-gannett-
his back straightens involuntarily stops moving tries to laugh it off -what-
-you do jane tulle-gannett the dead woman we went to see her grave-
he grimaces -you fucking smackhead she was dead before i was even born how would that even be possible-
i kinda laugh -i dont know but its her i dont know how but it is her- i laugh again
-its her i remind you of or someone shed like
-or whatever- richie gets up shakes his head pats the bed -okay hungover guy get some rest apparently you still got a lot to sleep off-
im amazed -i cant believe i figured it out holy shit its jane tulle-
and he cuts me off -just shut up you dont know what the fuck yr talking about just shut up and go to sleep-
walks out of the room -dont know why i even tried to be nice to you fucking smackhead-
but im right and i know im right and i drift back off into fuzzy half-sleep trying to figure out how that could possibly be
i am drunk and stoned and i am riding shotgun in a stolen car and i have never felt better in my life
i kissed a girl tonight and i danced with another one and i can still smell them on me even with the window down
and the heater on the air rushing in on my face and through my hair is making my skin feel alive with the glory of love
and i know tomorrow im gonna feel weird and regretful about a couple of the things that happened but
this other thing is buggin me and i know im loaded but i wanna know so i go ahead and ask him anyway
-richie- nothing -richie- nothing –RICHIE-
-what what i thought you were asleep- and i realize my eyes are closed
i open them turn in the seat –are you my friend- and he laughs –what what the hell are you talking about-
-you heard me are you my friend- he smiles funny says –dee dee why would you ask me something like this-
-cuz i dont know why you hang out with me you always say nasty stuff about me and put me down
-and you dont even call me by my goddamned real name its desmond DESMOND-
-dee dee i know what yr real name is- sighs almost –i dont wanna call you the same thing yr parents call you
-do you think my real name is richie- and i think about it for a second but i am way too buzzed and i say
-no man no thats not it man its about respect- and richie laughs and laughs then asks me if im mack daddy or daddy mack
and i tell him to eat me and he says something even ruder back but by the time im ready to respond im halfway up the stairs
and then im in my bed somehow and i think to myself maybe i should take my wet sneakers off
and then suddenly it doesnt matter anymore
The poets have taken over Overland! Go to http://web.overland.org.au/ and check out the many Overload Festival happenings being created and overseen by the lovely and talented Maxine Clarke!
when i find leanders room again the vibe is totally different and theres a lot less girls and the music seems strange
and jackies talking to the redhead with the big tits and they are kind of giving me the stink eye now
but richie and leander are back and richies in this like recliner totally smug grinning at me
and i totally dont want to deal with his bullshit so instead i walk over to the window where leanders smoking a blunt
and blowing it outside and i just sit down next to her and go -i guess i kind of blew it with jackie-
and shes holding in her hit and goes -you boys watch too much porn- and then she blows it out and in her normal voice goes
-you couldve totally got some tonight too if you hadnt gone about it so like clumsily- and shakes her head
and i feel like an asshole but she just goes -whatever- and hands me a pbr -do you want some of this- with the blunt
and i open the pbr and go
-sure- and i puff it real careful so i dont get it spitty or take too much and cough
so i blow my hit out and hand it back and sip on my pbr she blows on the cherry takes another hit
and i ask her -what kind of name is leander- just trying to make conversation but it comes out wrong
she doesnt seem to care though -my name is actually oleander like the flower- and i ask -why do they call you leander then-
-no one calls me that just richie- and i go -thats hilarious no one else calls me dee dee either- and she smiles her sleepy smile
-he told me he couldnt handle the shock every time he said my name- and i look at her like not understanding at all
and she bolts upright eyes all big in mock surprise -OH leander- and i get it and laugh and she laughs with me
and everything starts feeling okay again and she hands the blunt back to me and i take a bigger hit and cough it out a little
but its not a big deal and she laughs again and i ask her
-how long have you and richie been together-
she runs her hand through her
hair and goes -were not
really together really-
pauses a second -hes in love
with someone else-
and the weed is kicking in
now and i go -yeah hes in
love with himself- and she
looks at me for a second
then bursts into this huge
laugh and i look at richie and
hes totally confused and then
back at leander and she goes
-yr okay dee dee- and smiles
her smile and i go -yr okay
too leander- and she takes
the last hit and stubs it out
and the music changes again
and now its all piano and this
snaky guitar but its kind of
romantic too like slow and
sinuous
and leander sits up -dance
with me- and im all -i cant
dance- and she says -its
slow anyone can slow dance-
she nods at richie
-he wont do it- so i go
-okay- and we get up and she
puts my hands on her hips
and shows me how and it
seems really quiet
like everyone else stopped
talking but im really high so i
dont care and we dance and
the singer is doing these aah
aah ah ah ahhhs
and it feels great and i look
over at richie and hes smiling
but like surprised at the
same time but thats cool too
leander moves me in time to
it and theres more aah aah ah
ah ahhhs and we lock in
pretty much
she puts her head on my
shoulder and her hair smells
good but a different kind of
good slighter somehow
more subtle
and then the song ends and
richie is suddenly next to us
and goes -dee dee and lee lee
sittin in a tree tree-
and she lifts her head and he
kisses her hair then says to
me all serious
-we had better go-
so im kind of shocked at how many girls they fit into the room in addition to how many wanted to come down
its only me and richie and hes cool and all but im just me but theyre all being super nice to me anyway
and were drinking vodka and gatorade out of these plastic martini glasses that leander has and i feel like my parents
at a party in the 70s or something but i kind of get it like if a couple of girls from boxer showed up
at fairview all the guys in the dorm would definitely all pack in and the music is great all scratchy records
like hip hop samples and some are pretty funky and some are like cocktail party jazz or something
which is probably why i thought of my parents in the 70s im actually pretty buzzed even though i only had one drink
but i think maybe its partly the lights and the music and then this girl jackie refills my drink and shes being
super nice to me and i like her smile and her skirt and her hair smells like strawberries when she leans in
to pour my drink and I go
–strawberry blonde- like to myself but she hears and goes –what- but i feel weird and i go
-nothing- but even though i feel super awkward she keeps smiling and i smile back and it seems like
all of the sudden im in a place where i cant fuck it up like i usually do and it feels great
and i look around and then i cant find richie or leander and i guess they went somewhere else
but the other girls are all still talking and laughing and leanders roommate with the curly red hair and big tits keeps changing the records
when the songs end and i kind of want to go talk to her but jackie keeps smiling and talking to me
and even though her tits are pretty small shes cute and she smells great so i sit and drink with her
and i realize with richie gone im the only guy in the room and thats crazy i feel like hugh hefner but like much much younger
and i finish my drink and i wanna slow things down cuz i dont wanna get sick cuz it seems like
thats the only thing that could mess all this up so i try to get up and get one of those pbr out of the fridge before jackie pours me more
but when i try i get a headrush and im like -whoa- and sit back down and a bunch of girls laugh and it takes me back a second
but the laughs arent mean and then i laugh too jackie gets up laughing grabs my hand says -lets get you some air- and pulls me up
and she doesnt let go and it feels great she leads me through the room in slow motion and they all look at us and she doesnt let go
not embarrassed at all and i feel like im in a movie especially with the lights and the music its awesome
and jackies laughing and we go down the hall fluorescent light like another weird world outside of leanders room
and we go to her room and its not the same at all but its still cool and the low hum of the music from down the hall is still there underneath
and its soothing cuz im totally nervous under the drunk part but we sit down on her bed and she goes -do you feel better now- laughing
and im like -yeah- and she just keeps looking at me smiling and i lean in and kiss her
and she kisses back and its awesome shes a really good kisser or at least better than the other girls
ive kissed and we keep kissing and i put my hand on her knee and her skin is like super soft and
she makes a tiny little sound under the kissing and im super into it so i reach my hand
under her skirt to touch her pussy and then she pulls back and goes -wtf- and im confused so i go –what- and she gets up
shaking her head goes
-maybe we should go back- and im still confused and im like -what- and she just goes out the door
so im alone in her room for a second and its totally weird so i get up still buzzed and go on back down the hall
but i stop in the bathroom and splash a whole bunch of water on my face and look in the mirror
and the cold water makes me feel a little better but really not better at all
i swear to god that it took her one whole minute to smile i mean seriously from start to finish 60 seconds
breaking across her face like a new sunrise or something but i found out over time she does everything slowly
even stuff that you cant or shouldnt she has long dirty blonde hair little spray of nose freckles sleepy eyes
red and blue flannel shirt faded jeans rainbow toe sox a real slim slow slider she talks like she smiles but
–richie-
is all she says richie rocks back on his heels hands in front pockets -whats up leander- smiles pauses like waiting for something
and whatever it is she wont give it -not much to what do i owe it- seems like its been awhile but she wont say so
-ah nothing really fairview is boring as hell-
leander shrugs -boxer isnt much better i hope that it was worth the trip over- knowing that it was would have to be
-yeah well this is dee dee leander i had to get him off campus- and i ask her -did we wake you up-
and richie winces and leander turns to me with those sleepy eyes says -no i just always look like this-
and it takes forever but that smile finally breaks across her face and i know im ok richie says –are we coming in or what-
and leanders head rolls on her shoulders and she falls backwards into a cartwheel so slow it seems like gravity gives her a pass
and richie big boots thuds in i step over the threshold and its like a different world in there all of a sudden girl world
everything inside is somehow more colorful better-lit sweeter-smelling softer than everything that exists outside
its only the size of a regular double at fairview but for some reason seems 10 times bigger longer more space
there are like blue and purple tapestries hung everywhere and they replaced all the regular fluorescents with
colored aquarium lights and the music is soft and it hangs in the air like the incense traces
not like cheap weed-eradicator incense like youd smell in our dorm but somehow lighter and idk more romantic
a cardboard cowboy stand-up is right in the middle of the room by the windows guns drawn and by his feet theres
this little red record player with the speakers stretched out to either side of his wildly bowed legs and at either end of the room
miles apart are their beds and each one is like mounded with pillows and comforters and i just wanna
crawl in there in the soft and the warm and like never leave
but then the little fridge shuts with a clank and im back and leander goes -well weve got 3 cans of pbr thats it
-my roommate knows some girls down the hall whove got some vodka- she shrugs puts her hands in her pockets
richie nods - you better get that vodka this kids pretty uptight we gotta mellow him out a touch-
and i turn to him embarrassed and go -fuck you- way too loud and he looks at leander and says
-see what i mean- and leander raises her eyebrows then stretches and says
-well i got some weed-
richie says -good well need it- and she smiles sleepily slaps her denimed thighs and goes -it-is-decided- and moves to the door
but stops at richie and says quieter -its good to see you i didnt know if you were gonna come around anymore-
and richies all -yeah well im full of surprises- and she nods -yeah- and slips out the door
leaving it open about halfway and richie squats by the record player and starts pawing through the 45s
and im like -whyd you have to say that shit about me- and he doesnt look up but goes
-dee dee if i knew you were gonna get this bunged up over nothing i never wouldve brought you-
and this shuts me up so i just kind of look around for a minute then im like -is she gonna get in trouble
-for having us here- and richie says all irritated -did she look worried-
but then he looks up from the records -boxer is just like fairview dee dee as long as the money flows everybodys happy
-as long as nobody falls out the window and gets on the news its just a party- he smiles then for a second
-its just a party dee dee-
of course when we started talking about stealing a car i didnt realize that richie would want to steal dean cuddys bmw
i mean i knew that it would end up being some staffs vehicle cuz richie already made clear that the physical plant trucks were
too unreliable in the snow to mess with again but i guess its the fact that its cuddys car and its so much higher end than that shitty truck
we took last time thats got me all nervous and stuff richie tells me thats all mental and to stop psyching myself out but its pretty hard
so anyway friday night about 10:30 we start walking down the road leading off campus and the snow isnt bad
theres very little actually falling its just packed down hard in the road and the plows have thrown
these huge banks up onto the roadsides so unfortunately theres no underbrush or anything to hide in so
if a staff car is coming or going while were walking the road were pretty much fucked so we start out trying to be quiet
but the packed snow crunches underfoot and sound really carries in the thin cold air so all we can really do is avoid talking
and just basically spend the walk watching our breath in the moonlight and soon enough the faculty village comes into sight
i knew that they housed the administration just off-campus everyone did it wasnt a secret it was one of the perks of the job i guess
it was really only crisis staff and dorm workers who had to be local enough to commute in every day richie said this was part of the
krol methodology as well but i dont care really i just want richie to be able to find dean cuddys house and if im being honest
i want him to not be able to start the bmw so we could just go back to the dorm where its warm and safe
richie quietly ticks off the houses as we pass them
-isaacs- -manley- with a grunt -nulles- and we duck past streetlights and over
one block and richies like
-thats it- in front of this
boxy looking house that basically looks like all the others
and i cant figure out how richie could tell them apart in the dark until i see the silver bmw sitting in the driveway
and im like -why in the driveway- in a whisper and he goes -his wifes in town- and points to the closed garage and then
points to his brain with an exaggerated wink and i almost laugh but stop myself just in time and he goes
-watch for cars if you see one run behind the house ill hear you- and leaves me in the street and creeps up to the house
looks once in the window then goes to the car and pulls out the slim jim and goes to work on the door
it only takes a couple of minutes and it seems really loud to me but then hes in and hes holding the door real gentle-like
and he squats down by the edge of it with his hand on the handle and he starts opening it super-slow and
counting to himself and when its open just enough he reaches his arm through up to his shoulder and does something inside i cant see what
then the alarm starts and i nearly shit my pants but its just a strangled little queef of a sound before richie squelches it
and he just squats there at the base of the door totally still watching the window to see if anyone looks out and after a minute passes
he stands up and goes -psst- and motions me over and i shuffle over to him and whisper –wtf- he answers
-im gonna show you how
-to do this in case you ever need to- and im like
-whatever just hurry- and he reaches in and releases the parking brake
-help me push this into the street so they dont hear us start it- so i go up to the hood while he pushes on the door column
and we get it out of the driveway and he jumps in hits the brakes and waves me over and hes got this like crowbar thing
and he rips out the panel right below the steering wheel and asks me -did you get to stendhal in english yet- and i go
-english what what are you- and he yanks two wires out
-the red and the black dee dee the red and the black- he touches the bare ends
together and the thing comes to life -never forget stendhal dee dee now get in- i run over to the passenger side and open it
and richie is hunched under the steering wheel twisting the wires together -goddamn it- he whips up shaking his hand painfully then
throws the bmw into gear
-lets get the fuck out of here- and he eases us around and out of the faculty village then floors it
and it really is something else entirely idk if its cuz its night or the bmw is so much nicer or cuz its cuddys but
its much more exciting this time and richie throws it into fifth and exhales slowly -this is a superior piece of machinery- and grins at me
-look what kind of music he has- and im like -shit i shouldve brought my ipod- cuz theres a dock but richie just goes
-next time- and i laugh -as if- and richie shrugs so i go through cuddys visor sleeve and its all like soundtracks and old blues
and new age garbage and i go -theres nothing here but shit- and richie goes -whatever- totally jaunty and i ask him
-so where are we going
-this time- and he smiles
-were going to boxer you know our sister school- and i go -boxer thats like almost an hour away-
and hes all -not in this thing ill be there in 45 minutes- and im like -thats gonna take way too long
-were gonna get busted- and he waves me off -stop worrying dee dee- and i ask -whats so great at boxer- and he looks at me
like im an idiot -girls- and i go -oh- and he says -i know this girl leander who goes there
-shes pretty cool- and im getting really uptight -you know cuddy or mrs cuddy could look out that window at any time and we are fucked-
richie starts getting pissed
-dont be such a pussy dee dee if you didnt want to come you shouldve thought of that a long time ago-
and i go -i didnt know we were gonna be gone for like 4 hours- and richie starts shouting -i didnt go through all that back there
-just to drive around the fucking block now we just stole a car theres nothing you can do but just sit back and enjoy the ride jesus-
i sit back and shake my head -this is gonna take way too long theyre gonna have the cops after us- and richie blows up again
-why do you always have to be such a mincing little queer- and i shout -fuck you asshole you sound like frejean- and he
grimaces and doesnt say anything for a minute then he punches the steering wheel
-fuck- runs his hand through his hair and goes
-look just dont say anything else until we get there okay- and im like -fine whatever- and we ride the rest of the way there in silence
Hey! This young lady Jia Hui is translating the keitai shousetsu Koizora over here at http://jiahuishousetsutranslation.blogspot.com/ - check it out. Koizora isn't high art or anything, but you'll be able to see pretty quick why I fell in love with the format. Also, it corrected my spelling of shousetsu, which I believe is the most accurate or at least the spelling most often used by folks in the know.
getting back to fairview is weird its not like i had some super-great time at my parents or anything like that
but its like i miss it at home already even though im kind of glad to be back at fairview in this way that i completely cannot explain
but mostly im just pretty bummed out that greg wasthe only guy i really hung out with the whole time i was there
i mean no one else even called me back at all or whatever and that pretty much sucked so when
i go back up into the dorm richies back and i hang out with him for awhile and thats pretty cool cuz hes not being a dick
and we talk about how weird home was and how no one would hang out with me cuz of the gun thing and it comes to my mind
that richie totally did not give a shit about the gun thing at all which was awesome and even though hes a creep in other ways
i guess i am too or whatever so hes talking about his time at home and how he didnt hang out with anybody either and it was lonely
and strange and he doesnt
talk about his parents at all except to say that they hardly exist anymore which is fine with him
and i think about how my folks really arent there at all either but im still not totally cool with that but then again
im not sure what i do want cuz if they were in my shit all the time id probably freak out anyway
the most surprising thing is that richie goes -this may sound weird but i think that maybe we should
-like try to make more friends- and thats kind of what i was feeling too but i totally didnt expect that from richie and i tell him
and he goes all sheepish like he got caught doing something -yeah i know but its like you know i totally
-get sick of just hanging out with you all the time- and im like –thanks- and he goes –no no i know you get sick of me too-
and i say -yeah totally especially when you say shit like that- he scoffs -its not about that its more like just idk
-trying harder everybody here cant be a total smackhead you know- and im like
–what happened to you over break that made you come back all like mary poppins-
he sighs -idk i just thought maybe that theres a way to be like healthier you know- shrugs -idk- so i go
-okay lets try to be like more social justin can be pretty cool- and richies like -the kid with the hair- and he makes this big
swooping motion over his face and im like -yeah- and he goes -well i mean yeah we gotta try right itll be like an experiment-
so we go through school and stuff the next couple of days and i can see that richies trying really hard
not to be as much of an asshole like in class he doesnt call guys out on
being dumbasses as much
and in the dorm he starts hanging out in the common room more even though he just reads and doesnt say anything
so the one night the 40s are out and guys are taking hits off the bong and theres this time travel movie on the flatscreen and
guys start talking about time travel and richie puts his book down for like the first time ever and listens
and im drinking with justin on one of the couches and frejean blurts out totally baked -time travel would be awesome-
big bald tyshawn goes
–hells yes go back to the 60s do nothing but smoke weed trip balls and get my dick sucked-
frejean responds -id go back to gladiator times thats my favorite shit get me a big-ass sword some slave bitches some wine
-pretty sweet son- then richie suddenly cuts in -you cant go back in time- and all of them look over at him kind of shocked
that he even talked frejean scoffs -no shit sherlock but fuckin what if you know fuckin what if- richie throws his arm over
the back of the chair hes in and goes -no no i mean you can absolutely travel in time no doubt you just cant go back
-you can only travel forward in time- blank stoned looks in return richie hikes himself up in the chair -time is a river right it just keeps flowing along
-but as soon as you notice a moment its past you it flowed by you the past isnt behind us its way out in front of us far far away-
tyshawn takes a sip off his 40 -so if you cant go back in time how do you travel forward-
richie smiles -well you know were actually travelling forward in time right now and now and- points -now-
frejean scowls -aw fuck you man thats all you got- richie shakes his head -naw im just being a dick- and im kind of amazed by that
-to travel forward in time all you ultimately have to do is somehow get out of the river of time out of the flow of time
-and just wait for time to pass by you and then like jump back in- he shrugs -you just have to find a way out of the flow which is a bitch-
this kid tyler all glassy-eyed murmurs -yr kind of blowing my mind right now- frejean actually seems interested
- so what could take somebody out of the time stream- and richie goes
-well death- frejean scowls again
-no doubt fuckhead- and richie leans in hard -no listen what if death takes you out but you find a way to stay aware after death
-what if you stay you and you come back in the future just in a different body with a different name- richie shakes his head in amazement
-wouldnt that be like travelling in time- tyshawn turns and points at richie accusingly -i got
-no idea what yr talking about right now dude none- and richie just gets up shrugs at me with his hands open and leaves
tyshawn and frejean go back to talking about fucking past-bitches and i help justin finish the 40 and head back to my room
so pretty much the next day me and richie get together and make an informed decision that our experiment
was a miserable failure and that we should steal another car as soon as humanly possible
the next day i start calling everyone in my phone to see whos around and who can hang out
but nobody answers and idk if theyre not off yet or busy or whatever but after awhile
i go through my old stuff and root out their like land lines and call a few people that way but
mostly i get their parents of course cuz theyre the only ones who still use land lines basically
and the ones who answer are pretty weird to me for the most part which i can pretty much understand
cuz probably the last they heard of me was before i went to fairview and the whole gun thing but
i leave messages with them for charlie and chris and dan but i dont get anything back and im starting
to get kind of bummed out but i call gregs house and the old answering machine picks up and i try leaving this
really like fake-cheery message and greg picks up halfway through and im super-psyched but his voice is quiet
and weird like hes trying not to be heard or something and he just tells me to meet him at the kwik fill later on which is cool
so i go out and walk over and hes hanging outside and its awesome to see him and we go in and buy red bulls
greg tries to buy smokes but they card him which is bizarre to me cuz im used to fairview by now and like
drinking 40s and smoking weed as if it wasnt anything at all and greg asks me what its like there and i tell him that stuff
and he kind of cant believe how awesome that sounds and it makes me feel really cool until
i think about what was all going through my head the other night about the lines and the screens
but i dont tell greg any of that stuff just how i broke into the locked door with my id and he thinks thats super-cool
and i feel pretty badass so i tell him about richie and stealing the truck which also totally impresses him
but he thinks richie sounds like a total dick which i guess i can understand from the way i described him
so i try to like explain why hes cool to hang out with sometimes but i dont think greg totally buys it
and he talks a little about how it seems like since i went to fairview im actually getting wasted a lot more and
doing like more illegal shit rather than less but i say that although it seems like that
the good part is that i totally dont feel like bringing a gun to school anymore and his face gets weird
and we talk about that for a little while and greg explains that he didnt want his folks to know we were
gonna hang out cuz they were pretty freaked out by the gun thing and a lot of the other parents were too
especially after salinas and stuff and thats probably why the other guys werent calling back or whatever
not cuz they didnt wanna hang but cuz of their folks and whatnot and im like i guess i can understand
but its still me im still the same dee dee and greg goes
-dee dee- all quizzical and i forgot for a second but i
dont want to go into the whole richie thing again so i just go –forget it- and he looks at me weird again
but drops it anyway and i just ask him what hes been doing and we start talking about girls for awhile
and gregs dating this girl nicole who i always thought had great tits and hes like yeah
but theyre actually kind of floppy and almost too big and i go totally serious -no such thing- and he laughs
and it almost feels like before for awhile and we keep walking and he talks about these world war 2 games
hes really into and anime and shit and its okay but then i notice where we are cuz weve been walking
and i realize were at my old school his school and i look at it and greg kind of fades out and i zone into this weird thing
that i totally would never think of normally but there was this retarded girl there i never knew her name
she was total special ed short bus and the other guys used to make fun of me cuz every time shed see me in the hallway
shed giggle and hide her face and go –desmond- in this weird high pitched retardy voice and theyd all
imitate her and talk about how she was my girlfriend and id get super-pissed and tell them all to fuck off
but i never did it like loud or anything cuz she was just a retard and i didnt want to make her feel bad
you know i figured it was hard enough to be retarded and to have people making fun of you all the time
and i realize as we walk by the school that i was never going back there
thered be no way theyd ever let me go back there and i would never see that retarded girl again and i dont know why
but it makes me like super-sad to think of it and thats just stupid shes just a retard why would i care
but i do and it makes me angry and sad at the same time and i keep trying to focus back on greg
and the shit that hes talking about but i just cant get my head around the fact
that some weird part of me actually misses that retarded girl and im angry and sad that i dont know her name
everybody gets sent home over christmas if they have homes to go to and it feels really great and exciting at first
all of us riding together in the fairview van even though richie got put on a train out of town so im with frejean and justin
and some of the other guys but everyones being cool cuz theyre all basically happy to go home so its pretty rowdy and fun
and its snowing lightly and its making me feel christmassy inside even though thats totally pussy but i actually end up being the first
to be dropped off and we pull up and i can see a tree with lights through the front window and with snow everywhere my house seems
totally weird to me like a place i lived once in a dream or something and my mom comes out to the van and signs the clipboard
and gives me a huge hug and i walk with her to the front door then the van drives off and she asks how things are
and i tell her that things are going good and she says
–good- and then we walk inside and its really warm like too warm
and my mom calls out to my dad that im home and hes in the other room watching tv and he calls out –good-
and my mom takes me to the kitchen and we sit at the breakfast bar and eat my favorite pizza from molinas and she drinks a glass
of wine and i have pepsi and she doesnt talk much but she smiles at me a lot and i smile back and when im done
she takes me up to my old bedroom and she opens the door and all the lights are on and its cleaner than its ever been
and theres other stuff thats different too but my mom looks at me funny and asks
–good- and i nod and she tells me goodnight
and dont stay up too late and i go in and look at my dvds and all the horror movies are gone and basketball diaries and
ichi the killer and some other stuff thats not even violent she left full metal jacketwhich is weird but whatever and then
i look at my cds and theres a lot gone there too all the rap stuff marilyn manson spider babies even kill taker
which i guess she took because of the name cuz theyre like totally positive and straight edge but whats weird is that i didnt notice
right away that my laptops gone and i kind of freak out quietly for awhile but then i figure out theyre probably just gonna
monitor me on their pc downstairs so i go down to see if i can get on and i guess my mom went to bed
and i look in the living room and my dads asleep in front of espn and i walk up to him and look down at his face
his eyes are closed and his mouth is open and i think about turning off the tv but hes got a death grip on the remote
anyway im afraid hed wake up if i turn it off so i look at the tv and back at him for a little while
then i go back up to my old bedroom and read this choose-your-own-adventure that i liked when i was 8 until i fall asleep
the next morning it snows for the first time this year and its weird cuz
everyones obviously kind of excited but acting like they dont care about something as gay as the first snowfall
but it definitely brings up all those little kid feelings of like snowmen and days off and christmas morning
and everyones rushing to get outside much more than usual and i run into richie and im like -hey its snowing-
and hes all blasé-blasé like
-hm oh really- and then i go -i was looking for you last night where were you-
and he gives me this weird face -i was in my room what do you mean- and i tell him -i came down cuz
-i wanted to talk to you about something- and he laughs in a strange way -well idk what to tell you dee dee
-i was in my room all night- and i go -well when i came down- and he blows up
-jesus what am i yr boyfriend
-maybe i was taking a shit what the hell- and i go
-whatever man dont have a fucking conniption- and he scoffs
-dont worry about me dee dee- i stare at the floor -i wont- then he sighs -so what was this
-huge important thing you just had to tell me about last night- and im like -nothing dont worry about it-
richie changes tacks on me
-aw cmon dee dee dont be that way tell me all about it- and frejean passes us in the hall
-whats the matter faggots outta lube- and laughs to himself richie waves him off without even looking -fly away shitbird-
frejean makes cocksucking sounds and richie just gives him the finger -cmon dee dee im listening- and im like
-forget it
-lets just go to school- and richie shrugs and we leave the dorm and start walking over and a bunch of guys
are already out there having a snowball fight and theyre whooping and shouting and running
and honestly it looks super fun and i stop and look for a minute and then richies all
-dee dee are you coming-
and for a second i almost say -no im gonna get in on this- but i look over at him and hes all impatient
i look back again and i shrug and just follow him over to the school and we pass the wall by the cafeteria where the graffiti was
and nulles and cuddy are out there watching the physical plant guys finish the sandblasting before the snow gets too bad
and we walk by and richie gives them a jaunty wave and nulles just stares at us with his weird mouth all tight but
cuddys got that same little smile and strange excited look about the eyes that he got with richie when the graffiti first went up
and they just stand there and watch us until we go in the school again just like last time the lines of our
lives running back and forth over each other crossing and recrossing again and again and again and again
